Shine bright like a diamond

"Sometimes the tough moments in life often make way for greater things than you could possibly imagine."

Seven years ago I received one of the greatest trials in my life; the beginning of the end of my first marriage. I was blind sighted, confused, angry, and devastated. It felt as if I was the punch line to a cruel joke. We took the same vows knelt over an alter, yet I was the only one who had kept my end of the promise. Divorce is the same as experiencing a death, only the death are parts of yourself that you will never get back. You begin to slowly unravel because you had become so vulnerable with this other person. You had given them pieces of yourself that you would never get back. Left naked standing in front of the one person that promised to always be there for you asking," why?" knowing you will never get the truth. 

It took me awhile to see my trials as "presents" in disguise; especially this "present". Mind you this "present" was one I wanted to Rachel the hell out of.... F.R.I.E.N.D.S. lovers will understand this, but for those who haven't watched that show/episode Rachel is exposed as a serial gift returner. I found myself wishing I had a receipt. I didn't want this "present". Picture the largest "present" wrapped all pretty with ribbons and bows, but once you start to open the box a cannon full of confetti blasts you in the face. I was disoriented, trying to get my bearings, not entirely sure what had just happened. Confetti was everywhere. It was in that moment I knew this confetti would never be completely gone from my life. There were days where I laid in the confetti feeling defeated others where it felt that all I ever did was clean up the mess the "present" had left. My mother had spent countless hours sweeping alongside me. She was my personal angel. Her love carried me through each aching day. I was never alone. 

As I had searched this "present" for something of value I found two small, flawless diamonds. One I rocked to bed each night with tears in my eyes feeling as if I failed her and the other allowed me to cry on her shoulders. Never judging. Always there to pick me up and dust off the confetti from the hard to reach places. I slowly realized that one of these diamonds wouldn't be in my life had I not received that particular "present". The diamonds were the same size as the confetti and had the light not shown so brightly on them, I would've missed them completely. Over the years I have learned of more effective ways to clean the confetti, making sure to carefully search for the small diamonds that I know I will continually find if only I look. I know I will never be the same woman I was that first opened that particular "present" and frankly I'm grateful for that. Five of the infinite diamonds I have received came from that "present". They are the ones I have the most gratitude for. 

Now if only my hypothetical diamonds were real then I'd make a suit of them. Name that show. 

Take a break

It takes a lot to admit to yourself and others that 'you can't do it all'. Most see this as a sign of weakness when in reality it's quite the opposite. It requires courage to say," I need help". 

The help that you could require might not always be physical, it can also be emotionally or spiritually. A lot of people associate spirituality with a certain religion. I believe that you can be of any faith and maintain a healthy level of spirituality. We are spiritual beings on a mortal journey, not mortal beings on a spiritual journey. I'm not sure if that is a quote by a specific person; if it's not I'm copyrighting that right now. 

Our body is a vessel to help us complete our journey. We end up placing most of our worth into what our bodies can do, rather than what our spirits can do. We feel that if our body is broken our spirit is broken. Placing your hopes and dreams into your body won't get you anywhere. Placing it in your spirit will get you everywhere. If you encounter a trial that is crushing your spirit, you can take a time out. It's necessary for our salvation to nurture our spirits so we can maintain our strength. Take a day to gather yourself. Give yourself a pep talk and carry on your spiritual journey; despite what your mortal body may be telling you. Your quiet strength will silence the nay sayers. Choose to focus on what you can do spiritually not what you can't do physically. 

Strength in trials

This post is from one of the sweetest women I know. I hope you enjoy!

I remember watching “Anne of Green Gables” when I was a teenager.  It is still one of my favorite movies.  One of the lines that I have always tried to live by is said by Marilla, “To despair is to turn your back on God”.  Although I am sure this is not an original saying, I loved it and always thought I would never have any reason to despair.  There would always be hope, the opposite of despair.  Through difficult times in my life, I was able to find hope, comfort and love in my family and friends.

I didn’t marry until I was 36, and had my little girl at 38.  I had prayed in earnest to be blessed with a husband and children of my own, and the Lord did answer my prayers!  The day our baby was placed in mine and then my husband’s arms was the most joyous of my life.  There is not one thing in life that can compare to that moment.  Her sweet little spirit and angelic face were one more of many confirmations in my life that God is real and that He loved me.

Almost three months later however that feeling of joy had turned to one of concern.  At two months my baby was crying it seemed all the time.  I would do anything I could to calm her.  I was exhausted and began to not sleep, even when she slept.  At her 2 month visit, I mentioned this to her pediatrician.  The doctor was not only concerned about the crying, but my baby was not gaining weight as she should, so tests were ordered. After some initial blood work, we were sent to the E.R.  We stayed three days in the hospital to find that she had an enlarged kidney.  The doctors thought this was not the cause of her irritability, but it was a cause for concern.  Thankfully, after we came home, she seemed calmer, was crying less and started sleeping more at night.  That, though, is when things got really difficult.

As my baby started sleeping better, I started feeling worse.  I couldn’t relax.  My stomach felt as if it were in knots.  Then there were times in the night and early mornings that I felt it was on the floor.  I began to cry constantly (picking up where my baby had left off).  My baby was starting to sleep 4, 5 and 6 hour stretches at night, but I would sleep one hour and be awake the rest of the night, unable to shut my mind off from the worry that she would wake at any moment.  I wasn’t eating, and the ache in my stomach was so bad, I thought it was hunger.  I began to think I was a bad mother, that my baby deserved someone better.  I felt I was not good enough, and didn’t deserve this beautiful girl that I had prayed for. These thoughts and more were frightening, and I began to despair.  I had lost my hope.

The worst night came.  I had slept 3 hours in the last 3 days.  My sweet husband was doing all he could to help, and was downstairs trying to soothe the baby back to sleep.  I prayed.  I was prompted reach out for help, and called one of my sisters at 1:00 a.m.  My entire extended family rallied around me.  My sister took my family in.  She got up with the baby so I could try to sleep.   For three weeks she cared for me as I believe our mother would have.  I attended church and took the sacrament. Then, General Conference came.  I had always heard that if you were looking for an answer to problems, to ask the Lord and he would have a General Authority give that answer in an address.  I heard Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk on depression.  Never had words from an Apostle been more welcome.  For the first time in weeks, I felt hope.  I remembered that my Savior, when in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffered not only for our sins, but for our sorrows too.  He knew what I was going through, what many of us on earth go through, and had taken it on willingly.  From that moment on, I allowed him to help me bear my burden.  My yoke was lifted and my burden made light.  I knew that Heavenly Father loved me. I did not believe before that a mental anguish could cause physical suffering.  I know now that it can.  Without the sustained love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, and the support of my husband, sisters and brothers, I would not have gotten through this trial.  I know that my Savior truly loves me.  Recovering from this depression has been a slow process but now I find joy and rejoicing in my posterity.  My little girl is the light of my life and all the more precious to me because I feel I have earned her love by conquering this trial. I am so grateful for the simple truths that I was taught as a youth and am so grateful to have a testimony of gaining strength through trials.

-Janel Rison

Always pack an extra umbrella

When we go through a trial it's natural to go inside ourselves and focus on our own lives. I feel there is a fine line between being: self sufficient and selfish. Being self sufficient is a necessity in most situations, but most of the time it turns to being selfish quickly. We see our problems as being the most important thing and we put all our energy into solving OUR problems rather than reaching out to those who are struggling as well. 

There have been times in my life where I have felt too busy, too overwhelmed, too tired, etc the list goes on. In reality, how hard is it to take 5 minutes to send a text or mail a card (we have the usps for a reason) when we think of someone? I found reasons to justify focusing on MY problems. We all have our own storms. All of us. What makes my life more important than someone else's life? Nothing. Most trials you go through, the blessing in the end is that you learn something so you can lift the burden off another's shoulders. Why don't we do this more often? I can not think of a more humbling experience than when I finally reached out to someone and saw how much suffering I could have eased; if only I did it sooner. 

People are placed in our lives for a reason. This is a lesson that keeps getting beat into my head. Your family is the most important thing. However, your family can consist of people that are not blood related. My dearest friends, that are considered family, were acquired from me looking past my own storm to extend an umbrella. 

Logically speaking: taking 5 minutes out of your day can make someone's 1,440 minutes (24hours). Which will then make your week consisting of 10,080 minutes and will take your mind off the storm you are currently facing. It's a win-win situation. Plus, you might actually smile a little more leading all the way back to being a more attractive human being. I know it's a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to try. 

My Heart is With Yours

This post is from one of my oldest friends, Charlie Melvin. I love being able to share others' stories. Thank you to the women who have opened up already. Enjoy!

It has been little over four years since I went through a very difficult experience. Every year that passes it gets a little easier but a void will always remain no matter how much time passes....We had been trying since last October 2008 to get pregnant again with our third. After months of trying and two miscarriages, I was finally put on Chlomid to help the process and we were finally successful. However, from the start I had complications that had to do with the baby and complications that didn't. For one, I have two herniated discs in my back which made it very hard to walk or stand and kept me in bed even though I had two young children to take care of.  The beginning of the pregnancy was rough and I was felt so sick all the time.  I had already been so incredibly uncomfortable with the pregnancy and with other complications arising that I was told I would go on bedrest the 20th week. Dr. Swainston, who I had been seeing weekly, was also sending me to a Parinatologist specialist to check my progress and to have me start Projesterone shots daily. The day I went in to see him for the first time was Friday, October 2nd. I was going there for 2 seperate ultrasounds. The first one seemed fine...the second one was a nightmare. I could personally tell from having ultrasounds every week since my 3rd week of pregnancy that the baby didn't look like she usually did.  The night before I had felt her light movements and even though we had complications,  we had every reason to believe all was well especially because I was under so much supervision.  During that ultrasound, the tech was very quiet but then she spoke up very quickly after only a few moments, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  She said it so frankly as if there was no other way to deliver that kind of news.  I didn't know if I even heard heard her right until she literally stood up and ran out!  Instantly the blood rushed to my face when it hit me and that's when I started sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor ran in quickly looking over the ultrasound. He just apologized over and over and noticed that I was on my way quickly to hyperventilating and passing out. I couldn't catch my breath.  He got a cold towel for my face and turned me on my side and just kept apologizing.  He asked for my cell phone and called my husband immediately. I couldn't even use the phone myself.  He told him everything and I just sobbed and screamed. He then called my OB and gave him the news right there.  The sweet doctor gave me a hug and let me stay in the room as long as I wanted but I quickly got dressed and left. The next few weeks were a personal hell. I was trying to wait until Tuesday to make my induction appointment because the best way and the safest way to remove my 17 1/2 week baby was for me to give birth to her exactly as I had any other baby. But Sunday I started cramping badly and went to Summerlin Hospital. There I was induced at 3 p.m. and Josh and I decided to be alone for the process. It was a long night and I was in labor for 16 hours and was kept very drugged. Josh spoke with the Bishop over and over and we were told to give the baby a name and a blessing and she would be put in the church records as a stillborn in our family. When she finally came, the nurses wrapped her up and put her in my arms. I asked them to leave and they let us have as much time with Lucy Nicole as we wanted. We just held her and cried and cried together. We took pictures to keep as sacred memories. Josh blessed her and gave her a name...and he said things in the blessing that we knew did not come from his own thoughts. Sacred things for just the two of us to know in this life.  That was one of the most beautiful experiences we have ever had together as a couple.  When I was finally released from the hospital hours later,  they put me in a wheelchair like any other new mom except I didn't have a baby to take home. When they opened the door, there was a picture of a fallen leaf with a single droplet of water on it.  This was to let the nurses know that the baby in this room did not survive.  They gave me a box and when I opened it at home, there were more pictures of my Lucy, her hospital bracelets and two tiny knitted blankets they took her pictures in.  The box was beautifully hand painted and my heart will always hold a special place for whoever the woman was that did that for a stranger.  She'll never know the love that I have in my heart for her.  The weeks that passed were the hardest times I've ever had. My emotions ranged from pure sadness to anger to depression to even embarrassment in public and around friends and family.  I didn't understand that emotion but I had it.  I distinctly remember after so much praying and pleading for peace that one night I just knew that everything was going to be ok and I felt a huge sense of love and peace and I knew that God really held me through that journey. So many miraculous and inspiring things happened. My life was so blessed by service from family and friends.  Going through that with my husband strengthened our relationship ten fold and I know now that I can do anything with him. We can survive anything.  My love and gratitude for my children grew and I appreciated them so much more and cherished them like I never had before even though I thought I did.  What did I learn from this?  The greatest lesson I learned was that we can get through everything and anything. Even when bad things happen. It doesn't matter what it is because in the end, everything WILL be ok. And now I apply that to everything.  Losing a baby that late was horrific and I yearn for the day I get to hold her again. I definitely feel this void but I also know she is part of us forever.  When I saw my regular OB after it happened, the nurse I grew close to gave me a long hug and said, my heart is with yours.  It was the perfect thing to say because at the time it was extremely hard dealing with reactions from people.  But now when this has happens to other women I know, it is the saying I always use and I'll never forget it.  Our little baby Lucy will always be a big part of our family and a joy in our lives that just can't be explained to people who haven't been in this situation. She did die, but even more so, we know she lives. And we love her as much as we love our living children. Life is hard...but this experience made life so much more worth it and I would never ever ask for this experience to have been taken away.  One day I will hold her & raise her...no doubt about it. 

Charlie Melvin

Miracles happen everyday

I have asked one of my dearest friends to write a post. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. She truly is an admirable person who finds the beauty daily. 

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate”- Dove chocolate wrapper

I have never been one of those people that has ever taken any part of my life for granted. I have always loved spending time with my family. I adore and cherish my children, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my nephews, aunt & uncles, cousins, my in-laws and my true friends.

Every morning I wake up and every evening I go to bed I am so thankful for every part of my life. I have been blessed with the love of a man that has been with me from near death & back and still looks at me like I am the most amazing person in the world. I have been blessed with my beautiful children that are everything and more than I could’ve ever imagined. Every time I look at my kids, I almost cry because I almost never made it to see them grow up, to hear them tell me about their day and to get their beautiful hugs and kisses. I am blessed with unconditional love and support from my amazing parents, my siblings, my nephews and my extended family!

Over the past almost 4 years I have had many struggles with myself. The hardest day of my life was when I was 25 years old and I was involved in a fatal car accident with my grandparents and my mom. That horrible day I lost 2 of my heroes and thought I would be losing a lot more. As I sat in the car trying to figure out what happened, I looked around at everyone in the car and I felt completely helpless. I made eye contact with my mom and said, “ I am sorry” I climbed out of the car not knowing if that was the last time I would ever see her. I laid on the side of the car wishing I could hold my kids and my husband. I thought I would never get to see my parents, my siblings, my nephews or anyone in my family that I love and hold dear. My guardian angel was one the first responders to our accident. She talked to me and made me promise her that she would have a new facebook friend when I got out of the hospital. Although, I could not see her because my vision had gone blurry, I knew she was and still is my guardian angel. Both my grandparents passed away from injuries sustained in this accident and I never got to say good bye, but I know without a doubt they know how I feel about them because I told them all the time!

I spent 2 weeks in the ICU and 1 week in a rehabilitation center. My first week there was spent in a horrifying chemical induced coma. I suffered a broken C2 (a.k.a. hangman’s fracture), a slip in my C3 & C4, broken ribs, punctured lungs, lacerated liver & kidney and a ruptured spleen. I ended up in a halo device for 3.5 months, which was a struggle all it’s own to go out in public or even face my kids. Although some people found humor in my halo, and believe me that hurt, I still smiled at their snarky jokes. I couldn’t pick up my kids and I could barely kiss them, it was so hard to figure out to function how I was used to functioning.

My husband and I drove from Texas to Utah and I cried our whole 14 hour drive home from the hospital because I didn’t know what my kids were going to think of my halo. I thought maybe they would be scared and not want to come near ne but when I got home, they ran and hugged me. Every time my husband looked at me, I felt embarrassed but he would always tell me how beautiful I was. My whole family made me feel like I was still myself even when I felt I wasn’t me anymore.

Even though I still have hard days, all my scars and pain remind me of how lucky and blessed I am to be where and who I am. If I am having a hard day I remind myself that I am alive. I almost didn’t live to see my 26^thbirthday and every year I am excited to get older and see all the amazing experiences my life has to offer. It took me many years to realize that I am still the same person and once I realized that, I became at peace with myself.

I hope that for anyone reading this, no matter what you have been through in life and I know there might be times you feel knocked down and like you can’t get up again, please remind yourself how lucky you are to be alive and how amazing you are! 

Life really is beautiful and so are you! 

To all my family and friends that have been there to support me and love me for me, Thank you! You can never imagine how much you helped me heal!

-Kassitty Knight