Strength in trials

This post is from one of the sweetest women I know. I hope you enjoy!

I remember watching “Anne of Green Gables” when I was a teenager.  It is still one of my favorite movies.  One of the lines that I have always tried to live by is said by Marilla, “To despair is to turn your back on God”.  Although I am sure this is not an original saying, I loved it and always thought I would never have any reason to despair.  There would always be hope, the opposite of despair.  Through difficult times in my life, I was able to find hope, comfort and love in my family and friends.

I didn’t marry until I was 36, and had my little girl at 38.  I had prayed in earnest to be blessed with a husband and children of my own, and the Lord did answer my prayers!  The day our baby was placed in mine and then my husband’s arms was the most joyous of my life.  There is not one thing in life that can compare to that moment.  Her sweet little spirit and angelic face were one more of many confirmations in my life that God is real and that He loved me.

Almost three months later however that feeling of joy had turned to one of concern.  At two months my baby was crying it seemed all the time.  I would do anything I could to calm her.  I was exhausted and began to not sleep, even when she slept.  At her 2 month visit, I mentioned this to her pediatrician.  The doctor was not only concerned about the crying, but my baby was not gaining weight as she should, so tests were ordered. After some initial blood work, we were sent to the E.R.  We stayed three days in the hospital to find that she had an enlarged kidney.  The doctors thought this was not the cause of her irritability, but it was a cause for concern.  Thankfully, after we came home, she seemed calmer, was crying less and started sleeping more at night.  That, though, is when things got really difficult.

As my baby started sleeping better, I started feeling worse.  I couldn’t relax.  My stomach felt as if it were in knots.  Then there were times in the night and early mornings that I felt it was on the floor.  I began to cry constantly (picking up where my baby had left off).  My baby was starting to sleep 4, 5 and 6 hour stretches at night, but I would sleep one hour and be awake the rest of the night, unable to shut my mind off from the worry that she would wake at any moment.  I wasn’t eating, and the ache in my stomach was so bad, I thought it was hunger.  I began to think I was a bad mother, that my baby deserved someone better.  I felt I was not good enough, and didn’t deserve this beautiful girl that I had prayed for. These thoughts and more were frightening, and I began to despair.  I had lost my hope.

The worst night came.  I had slept 3 hours in the last 3 days.  My sweet husband was doing all he could to help, and was downstairs trying to soothe the baby back to sleep.  I prayed.  I was prompted reach out for help, and called one of my sisters at 1:00 a.m.  My entire extended family rallied around me.  My sister took my family in.  She got up with the baby so I could try to sleep.   For three weeks she cared for me as I believe our mother would have.  I attended church and took the sacrament. Then, General Conference came.  I had always heard that if you were looking for an answer to problems, to ask the Lord and he would have a General Authority give that answer in an address.  I heard Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk on depression.  Never had words from an Apostle been more welcome.  For the first time in weeks, I felt hope.  I remembered that my Savior, when in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffered not only for our sins, but for our sorrows too.  He knew what I was going through, what many of us on earth go through, and had taken it on willingly.  From that moment on, I allowed him to help me bear my burden.  My yoke was lifted and my burden made light.  I knew that Heavenly Father loved me. I did not believe before that a mental anguish could cause physical suffering.  I know now that it can.  Without the sustained love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, and the support of my husband, sisters and brothers, I would not have gotten through this trial.  I know that my Savior truly loves me.  Recovering from this depression has been a slow process but now I find joy and rejoicing in my posterity.  My little girl is the light of my life and all the more precious to me because I feel I have earned her love by conquering this trial. I am so grateful for the simple truths that I was taught as a youth and am so grateful to have a testimony of gaining strength through trials.

-Janel Rison

My Heart is With Yours

This post is from one of my oldest friends, Charlie Melvin. I love being able to share others' stories. Thank you to the women who have opened up already. Enjoy!

It has been little over four years since I went through a very difficult experience. Every year that passes it gets a little easier but a void will always remain no matter how much time passes....We had been trying since last October 2008 to get pregnant again with our third. After months of trying and two miscarriages, I was finally put on Chlomid to help the process and we were finally successful. However, from the start I had complications that had to do with the baby and complications that didn't. For one, I have two herniated discs in my back which made it very hard to walk or stand and kept me in bed even though I had two young children to take care of.  The beginning of the pregnancy was rough and I was felt so sick all the time.  I had already been so incredibly uncomfortable with the pregnancy and with other complications arising that I was told I would go on bedrest the 20th week. Dr. Swainston, who I had been seeing weekly, was also sending me to a Parinatologist specialist to check my progress and to have me start Projesterone shots daily. The day I went in to see him for the first time was Friday, October 2nd. I was going there for 2 seperate ultrasounds. The first one seemed fine...the second one was a nightmare. I could personally tell from having ultrasounds every week since my 3rd week of pregnancy that the baby didn't look like she usually did.  The night before I had felt her light movements and even though we had complications,  we had every reason to believe all was well especially because I was under so much supervision.  During that ultrasound, the tech was very quiet but then she spoke up very quickly after only a few moments, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  She said it so frankly as if there was no other way to deliver that kind of news.  I didn't know if I even heard heard her right until she literally stood up and ran out!  Instantly the blood rushed to my face when it hit me and that's when I started sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor ran in quickly looking over the ultrasound. He just apologized over and over and noticed that I was on my way quickly to hyperventilating and passing out. I couldn't catch my breath.  He got a cold towel for my face and turned me on my side and just kept apologizing.  He asked for my cell phone and called my husband immediately. I couldn't even use the phone myself.  He told him everything and I just sobbed and screamed. He then called my OB and gave him the news right there.  The sweet doctor gave me a hug and let me stay in the room as long as I wanted but I quickly got dressed and left. The next few weeks were a personal hell. I was trying to wait until Tuesday to make my induction appointment because the best way and the safest way to remove my 17 1/2 week baby was for me to give birth to her exactly as I had any other baby. But Sunday I started cramping badly and went to Summerlin Hospital. There I was induced at 3 p.m. and Josh and I decided to be alone for the process. It was a long night and I was in labor for 16 hours and was kept very drugged. Josh spoke with the Bishop over and over and we were told to give the baby a name and a blessing and she would be put in the church records as a stillborn in our family. When she finally came, the nurses wrapped her up and put her in my arms. I asked them to leave and they let us have as much time with Lucy Nicole as we wanted. We just held her and cried and cried together. We took pictures to keep as sacred memories. Josh blessed her and gave her a name...and he said things in the blessing that we knew did not come from his own thoughts. Sacred things for just the two of us to know in this life.  That was one of the most beautiful experiences we have ever had together as a couple.  When I was finally released from the hospital hours later,  they put me in a wheelchair like any other new mom except I didn't have a baby to take home. When they opened the door, there was a picture of a fallen leaf with a single droplet of water on it.  This was to let the nurses know that the baby in this room did not survive.  They gave me a box and when I opened it at home, there were more pictures of my Lucy, her hospital bracelets and two tiny knitted blankets they took her pictures in.  The box was beautifully hand painted and my heart will always hold a special place for whoever the woman was that did that for a stranger.  She'll never know the love that I have in my heart for her.  The weeks that passed were the hardest times I've ever had. My emotions ranged from pure sadness to anger to depression to even embarrassment in public and around friends and family.  I didn't understand that emotion but I had it.  I distinctly remember after so much praying and pleading for peace that one night I just knew that everything was going to be ok and I felt a huge sense of love and peace and I knew that God really held me through that journey. So many miraculous and inspiring things happened. My life was so blessed by service from family and friends.  Going through that with my husband strengthened our relationship ten fold and I know now that I can do anything with him. We can survive anything.  My love and gratitude for my children grew and I appreciated them so much more and cherished them like I never had before even though I thought I did.  What did I learn from this?  The greatest lesson I learned was that we can get through everything and anything. Even when bad things happen. It doesn't matter what it is because in the end, everything WILL be ok. And now I apply that to everything.  Losing a baby that late was horrific and I yearn for the day I get to hold her again. I definitely feel this void but I also know she is part of us forever.  When I saw my regular OB after it happened, the nurse I grew close to gave me a long hug and said, my heart is with yours.  It was the perfect thing to say because at the time it was extremely hard dealing with reactions from people.  But now when this has happens to other women I know, it is the saying I always use and I'll never forget it.  Our little baby Lucy will always be a big part of our family and a joy in our lives that just can't be explained to people who haven't been in this situation. She did die, but even more so, we know she lives. And we love her as much as we love our living children. Life is hard...but this experience made life so much more worth it and I would never ever ask for this experience to have been taken away.  One day I will hold her & raise her...no doubt about it. 

Charlie Melvin