My Heart is With Yours

This post is from one of my oldest friends, Charlie Melvin. I love being able to share others' stories. Thank you to the women who have opened up already. Enjoy!

It has been little over four years since I went through a very difficult experience. Every year that passes it gets a little easier but a void will always remain no matter how much time passes....We had been trying since last October 2008 to get pregnant again with our third. After months of trying and two miscarriages, I was finally put on Chlomid to help the process and we were finally successful. However, from the start I had complications that had to do with the baby and complications that didn't. For one, I have two herniated discs in my back which made it very hard to walk or stand and kept me in bed even though I had two young children to take care of.  The beginning of the pregnancy was rough and I was felt so sick all the time.  I had already been so incredibly uncomfortable with the pregnancy and with other complications arising that I was told I would go on bedrest the 20th week. Dr. Swainston, who I had been seeing weekly, was also sending me to a Parinatologist specialist to check my progress and to have me start Projesterone shots daily. The day I went in to see him for the first time was Friday, October 2nd. I was going there for 2 seperate ultrasounds. The first one seemed fine...the second one was a nightmare. I could personally tell from having ultrasounds every week since my 3rd week of pregnancy that the baby didn't look like she usually did.  The night before I had felt her light movements and even though we had complications,  we had every reason to believe all was well especially because I was under so much supervision.  During that ultrasound, the tech was very quiet but then she spoke up very quickly after only a few moments, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  She said it so frankly as if there was no other way to deliver that kind of news.  I didn't know if I even heard heard her right until she literally stood up and ran out!  Instantly the blood rushed to my face when it hit me and that's when I started sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor ran in quickly looking over the ultrasound. He just apologized over and over and noticed that I was on my way quickly to hyperventilating and passing out. I couldn't catch my breath.  He got a cold towel for my face and turned me on my side and just kept apologizing.  He asked for my cell phone and called my husband immediately. I couldn't even use the phone myself.  He told him everything and I just sobbed and screamed. He then called my OB and gave him the news right there.  The sweet doctor gave me a hug and let me stay in the room as long as I wanted but I quickly got dressed and left. The next few weeks were a personal hell. I was trying to wait until Tuesday to make my induction appointment because the best way and the safest way to remove my 17 1/2 week baby was for me to give birth to her exactly as I had any other baby. But Sunday I started cramping badly and went to Summerlin Hospital. There I was induced at 3 p.m. and Josh and I decided to be alone for the process. It was a long night and I was in labor for 16 hours and was kept very drugged. Josh spoke with the Bishop over and over and we were told to give the baby a name and a blessing and she would be put in the church records as a stillborn in our family. When she finally came, the nurses wrapped her up and put her in my arms. I asked them to leave and they let us have as much time with Lucy Nicole as we wanted. We just held her and cried and cried together. We took pictures to keep as sacred memories. Josh blessed her and gave her a name...and he said things in the blessing that we knew did not come from his own thoughts. Sacred things for just the two of us to know in this life.  That was one of the most beautiful experiences we have ever had together as a couple.  When I was finally released from the hospital hours later,  they put me in a wheelchair like any other new mom except I didn't have a baby to take home. When they opened the door, there was a picture of a fallen leaf with a single droplet of water on it.  This was to let the nurses know that the baby in this room did not survive.  They gave me a box and when I opened it at home, there were more pictures of my Lucy, her hospital bracelets and two tiny knitted blankets they took her pictures in.  The box was beautifully hand painted and my heart will always hold a special place for whoever the woman was that did that for a stranger.  She'll never know the love that I have in my heart for her.  The weeks that passed were the hardest times I've ever had. My emotions ranged from pure sadness to anger to depression to even embarrassment in public and around friends and family.  I didn't understand that emotion but I had it.  I distinctly remember after so much praying and pleading for peace that one night I just knew that everything was going to be ok and I felt a huge sense of love and peace and I knew that God really held me through that journey. So many miraculous and inspiring things happened. My life was so blessed by service from family and friends.  Going through that with my husband strengthened our relationship ten fold and I know now that I can do anything with him. We can survive anything.  My love and gratitude for my children grew and I appreciated them so much more and cherished them like I never had before even though I thought I did.  What did I learn from this?  The greatest lesson I learned was that we can get through everything and anything. Even when bad things happen. It doesn't matter what it is because in the end, everything WILL be ok. And now I apply that to everything.  Losing a baby that late was horrific and I yearn for the day I get to hold her again. I definitely feel this void but I also know she is part of us forever.  When I saw my regular OB after it happened, the nurse I grew close to gave me a long hug and said, my heart is with yours.  It was the perfect thing to say because at the time it was extremely hard dealing with reactions from people.  But now when this has happens to other women I know, it is the saying I always use and I'll never forget it.  Our little baby Lucy will always be a big part of our family and a joy in our lives that just can't be explained to people who haven't been in this situation. She did die, but even more so, we know she lives. And we love her as much as we love our living children. Life is hard...but this experience made life so much more worth it and I would never ever ask for this experience to have been taken away.  One day I will hold her & raise her...no doubt about it. 

Charlie Melvin