Always Wanting Change

I've asked my friend Megan to write this wonderful post. I've known her for almost 18 years (since I was 12!) and seen what a wonderful woman/mother she's become. I love the fact that so many of us have different trials we deal with and it goes to prove that 'a trial is a trial'. It may not be YOUR trial, but it is another's.  

When Keri asked me to write a post for her blog I thought sure, I have been through a lot of trials in my life.  Then when I sat down to write, my mind went blank, that or I've had too many trials that I couldn't figure out which one to talk about.  I think I have come down to one and it is my trial of  always wanting change. I know that you all are probably thinking that it isn't much of a trial, but for me it is an on going trial that never ends. I have struggled with this my whole life, it started when I was young when I would rearrange my room every Sunday.  I went to hair school, so you can only imagine how many hairstyles and colors I have had over the years, I even bought a few wigs because my hair couldn't be changed enough.  Now my change consists of moving my own family to a few different states, a few different jobs, and a few different schools. Something always has to change. If my husband knew this about me before hand he might have run the other way.  It sounds silly as I write this down, but I really have a hard time with this. Since DJ and I have been married (9 years) we have lived in 3 different states, moved to 11 different places. We just moved 2 months ago and I am already itching for something new. I keep telling myself that I need to be happy where we are at and settle in one spot. Having kids in school has helped because I know that I wouldn't pull them out during school, and they are making friends, and I really like where we are at (my home town) But once again for some reason in the back of my head I am always looking for that change, that Adventure. My cell phone is dangerous to me because I am constantly looking at the Realtor App to find a house that I know that we couldn't get, or the Indeed Job app for finding my husband a better paying job so that maybe if I found one that we could move somewhere and have that adventure. These apps get me in trouble with my husband and just make me sad that I am stuck where I am. I just had our 5^th baby 5 months ago and already knowing that she is my last scares me, because I will not be pregnant or have a newborn again. I know I am crazy and loved being pregnant :) The older I get the more I realize that I just am never quite happy with where I am in life. I don't know if Heavenly Father is trying to torture me with always wanting to move for that change and helping me grow in some way, or that I need to learn how to sit in one spot and choose to be happy with where I am in life. We do have an option to buy the house we are currently renting and it scares me to take that leap. What if something else comes up and we have to move? What if something else comes along that is better? I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I get told that all the time. I have loved every adventure we have been on and have grown from it, but have found something that I didn't like and got out of the situation. Since this is an on going trial for me I hope that the longing for change will subside and that Heavenly Father will help me learn to be happy with what I have. I have so much to be grateful for and don't have anything to complain about not getting what I want. I have a loving husband that works his butt off for me so that I can stay home with our 5 Beautiful kids. I hope that with the continue of prayer, daily scripture study that I will continue to be grateful and learn to love where I am in life. This post might not be helpful for anyone, but I am glad that I was asked. Writing this post has helped me realize that I don't have it bad at all and maybe I  need to just channel my changes through other things to help change the scenery and go explore with my family to have that Adventure in my life.

How Cecelia Came to Be

"These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God and to weaken your resolve to keep your promises to Him. These trials are often camouflaged, making them difficult to identify. They take root in our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our sensitivities, or in those things that matter most to us. A real but manageable test for one can be a fiery trial for another."

"President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Every [person] eventually is backed up to the wall of faith, and there … must make his stand.” Don’t be surprised when it happens to you!"

"By definition, trials will be trying. There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights, and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants or from the household of God."

“Remember, … it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the
whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

"Like the intense fire that transforms iron into steel, as we remain faithful during the fiery trial of our faith, we are spiritually refined and strengthened."

"Elder D. Todd Christofferson explained what he learned from a personal trial: “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”
BY ELDER NEIL L. ANDERSEN  TRIAL OF YOUR FAITH


For those of you who have clicked on this post to learn about the birds and the bees, sorry to disappoint. That talk should be given by your parents. I typed the title of this post that way on purpose, because this post will be about the most hellacious trial I have ever had to go through; Cecelia's pregnancy/postpartum.

I have been extremely reluctant to write about specific trials I have gone through and in doing that I have been hypocritical. Guest editors have been so forthcoming with trials, emotions, and things they hold dear; I should too. After all, this is MY blog.

In October of 2012 I found out I was pregnant with my little babe, Cecelia Esther. She was our 'unexpected' miracle. I had known for awhile that I was supposed to have her, but I wasn't ready mentally for her. You see her older sister, Alice, was the trial of my husband's and my mental stability. To say she was collicky would be the greatest understatement EVER. For 8-9 hours a day she would scream at the top of her lungs. Non-stop for 3 months. I spent the majority of my day driving and the nights were traded off between my husband and I. Thankfully it was during the Christmas season, national parks were nearby, and we knew/know an awesome chiropractor. So you can understand the nervous breakdown I had when there was the 'possibility' I could've been pregnant when Alice was 10 months old.

From September 2012- October 20, 2012 I had lost 25 pounds from a pregnancy disease I acquired called hyperemesis gravidarum. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with: loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%),dehydration and production of ketones, nutritional deficiencies, metabolic imbalances, and difficulty with daily activities. (see:http://www.helpher.org for additional info and resources)
By October 23, 2012 my Ob/gyn had decided that Cecelia's and my health was in danger, so they sent me immediately to the hospital to get a catheter that would assist my body getting fluids through an IV with a medicine pump 24/7. Happy anniversary to my husband and I. I threw up 60 times that day. He had the best present ever of holding my hair as we drove home. Did I ever tell you how much I love my husband? That friday was my second daughter's first birthday party. I was only able to watch most of the festivities from a chair. After the present portion was over I went home while everyone else played at the pumpkin patch; living vicariously through photos that were text to me.

I missed both my daughters birthdays, family members weddings, thanksgiving (due to being in the hospital for 2weeks), most of Christmas, half of my aunts funeral, and the list goes because I was on bed rest for the entire 9 months. HG was debilitating and horrific. I had to rely on my husband and mother to bathe me, hire a full time nanny to watch my other two kids, had nurses calling me daily for vitals, nurses coming to my home weekly, and visited the hospital bimonthly/monthly. During the last 4 months of my pregnancy my body developed gastroparesis and I was unable to eat normal food, leaving me with juicing as the only means of nutrition. That continues on to this day over a year later.

That pregnancy was emotionally, mentally, and physically grueling. I had no idea what to expect from day to day. Most people didn't understand what I went through on a daily basis. I felt utterly alone. I had my few people to whom I could talk to. Now the reason of this post isn't to express how hellacious the past 20 months have been for me. It's quite the opposite. That trial brought so much beauty into my life in so many different ways.

My marriage: Seeing how loving, supportive, compassionate, and honorable my husband was and still is made me create a deeper love with him at such an early point in our marriage. Let's be honest.... Not even two years into our marriage and I fell apart. That would send most every spouse packing. I saw him take care of me in a way that I didn't know existed. He was the best partner I could've chosen for that battle.

My in-laws: I got to know them at an accelerated rate. My mother-in-law spent countless hours at my home taking care of my children and me. My father-in-law constantly provided my family with whatever he could. Both of them took care of the business so my husband could spend more time with us and still do whenever I have procedures. They were two of the most kind-hearted, loving, upstanding people I have ever met and see where my husband learned from.

My children: I appreciate them so much more that I ever thought imaginable. Now that I am unable to have more children, I find myself savoring the small things that I might've taken for granted otherwise.

My mother: She was with me every step of the way. Washing my hair, watching my kids, preparing food, taking me to hospital visits when my husband was enroute, providing emotional stability when I felt I was losing my mind, and loving me unconditionally.

Last but never least my friends: I saw who were my true friends. The ones that stayed with me in the hospital, visited me at home, pushed me in wheelchairs, loved my family, and loved me when I felt unlovable.

Our fiery trials aren't meant to be quick fixes. We don't all go through the same type of trials for reasons of growth meant for only us. Had that trial been a quick fix, I wouldn't have the relationships I have today nor the perspective I now have.