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Saturday, July 12, 2014

All That I Am, Or Hope To Be, I Owe To My Angel Mother






"In this spirit, let us consider mother. Four mothers come to mind: first, mother forgotten; second, mother remembered; third, mother blessed; and finally, mother loved.

Mother Forgotten

“Mother forgotten” is observed all too frequently. The nursing homes are crowded, the hospital beds are full, the days come and go—often the weeks and months pass—but mother is not visited. Can we not appreciate the pangs of loneliness, the yearnings of a mother’s heart, when hour after hour, alone in her age, she gazes out the window for the loved one who does not visit, the letter the postman does not bring? She listens for the knock that does not sound, the telephone that does not ring, the voice she does ek, right at 3:00 P.M. on Sunday. To her right is Mrs. Peek. Each Wednesday there is a letter in her hands from her son in New York. It is read, then reread, then saved as a precious piece of treasure. But see Mrs. Carroll: her family never telephones, never writes, never visits. Patiently she justifies this neglect with words that are heard but do not convince or excuse: ‘They are all so busy.’”
Shame on all who thus make of a noble woman “mother forgotten.”
“Hearken unto thy father that begat thee,” wrote Solomon, “and despise not thy mother when she is old.” 2 Can we not make, of a mother forgotten, a mother remembered?

Mother Remembered

Men turn from evil and yield to their better natures when mother is remembered. A famed officer from the Civil War period, Colonel Higginson, when asked to name the incident of the Civil War that he considered the most remarkable for bravery, said that there was in his regiment a man whom everybody liked, a man who was brave and noble, who was pure in his daily life, absolutely free from dissipations in which most of the other men indulged.
One night at a champagne supper, when many were becoming intoxicated, someone in jest called for a toast from this young man. Colonel Higginson said that he arose, pale but with perfect self-control, and declared: “Gentlemen, I will give you a toast which you may drink as you will, but which I will drink in water. The toast that I have to give is, ‘Our mothers.’”
Instantly a strange spell seemed to come over all the tipsy men. They drank the toast in silence. There was no more laughter, no more song, and one by one they left the room. The lamp of memory had begun to burn, and the name of Mother touched every man’s heart.
As a boy, I well remember Sunday School on Mother’s Day. We would hand to each mother present a small potted plant and sit in silent reverie as Melvin Watson, a blind member, would stand by the piano and sing “That Wonderful Mother of Mine.” This was the first time I saw a blind man cry. Even today, in memory, I can see the moist tears move from those sightless eyes, then form tiny rivulets and course down his cheeks, falling finally upon the lapel of the suit he had never seen. In boyhood puzzlement I wondered why all the grown men were silent, why so many handkerchiefs came forth. Now I know: mother was remembered. Each boy, each girl, all fathers and husbands seemed to make a silent pledge, “I will remember that wonderful mother of mine.”
Some years ago I listened intently as a man well beyond middle age told me of an experience in his family history. The widowed mother who had given birth to him and his brothers and sisters had gone to her eternal and well-earned reward. The family assembled at the home and surrounded the large dining room table. The small metal box in which mother had kept her earthly treasures was opened reverently. One by one each keepsake was brought forth. There was the wedding certificate from the Salt Lake Temple. “Oh, now Mother can be with Dad.” Then there was the deed to the humble home where each child had in turn entered upon the stage of life. The appraised value of the house had little resemblance to the worth Mother had attached to it.
Then there was discovered a yellowed envelope that bore the marks of time. Carefully the flap was opened and from inside was taken a homemade valentine. Its simple message, in the handwriting of a child, read, “I love you, Mother.” Though she was gone, by what she held sacred mother taught yet another lesson. A silence permeated the room, and every member of the family made a pledge not only to remember but also to honor mother.

Mother Blessed

Now that we have considered “mother remembered,” let us turn to “mother blessed.” For one of the most beautiful and reverent examples, I refer to the holy scriptures.
In the New Testament of our Lord, perhaps we have no more moving account of “mother blessed” than the tender regard of the Master for the grieving widow at Nain.
“And it came to pass … that he went into a city called Nain; and many of his disciples went with him, and much people.
“Now when he came nigh to the gate of the city, behold, there was a dead man carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow: and much people of the city was with her.
“And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, Weep not.
“And he came and touched the bier: and they that bare him stood still. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise.
“And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak. And he delivered him to his mother.” 3
What power, what tenderness, what compassion did our Master and Exemplar thus demonstrate! We, too, can bless if we will but follow His noble example. Opportunities are everywhere. Needed are eyes to see the pitiable plight, ears to hear the silent pleadings of a broken heart. Yes, and a soul filled with compassion, that we might communicate not only eye to eye or voice to ear, but in the majestic style of the Savior, even heart to heart. Then every mother everywhere will be “mother blessed.”

Mother Loved

Finally, let us contemplate “mother loved.” Universally applicable is the poem recalled from childhood and enjoyed by children even today, “Which Loved Best?”
“I love you, Mother,” said little John;
Then, forgetting his work, his cap went on,
And he was off to the garden swing,
And left her the water and wood to bring.
“I love you, Mother,” said rosy Nell—
“I love you better than tongue can tell”;
Then she teased and pouted full half the day,
Till her mother rejoiced when she went to play.
“I love you, Mother,” said little Fan;
“Today I’ll help you all I can;
How glad I am that school doesn’t keep!”
So she rocked the babe till it fell asleep.
Then, stepping softly, she fetched the broom,
And swept the floor and tidied the room;
Busy and happy all day was she,
Helpful and happy as a child could be.
“I love you, Mother,” again they said,
Three little children going to bed;
How do you think that Mother guessed
Which of them really loved her best? 4
One certain way each can demonstrate genuine love for mother is to live the truths mother so patiently taught. Such a lofty goal is not new to our present generation. In the times described in the Book of Mormon, we read of a brave, a good and noble leader named Helaman who did march in righteous battle at the head of 2,000 young men. Helaman described the activities of these young men:
“Never had I seen so great courage … [as] they said unto me: Father, behold our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth. …
“Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; … yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
“And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.” 5
At the end of the battle, Helaman continued his description: “Behold, to my great joy, there had not one soul of them fallen to the earth; yea, and they had fought as if with the strength of God; yea, never were men known to have fought with such miraculous strength; and with such mighty power.” 6
Miraculous strength, mighty power—mother’s love and love for mother had met and triumphed.
The holy scriptures, the pages of history, are replete with tender, moving, convincing accounts of “mother loved.” One, however, stands out supreme, above and beyond any other. The place is Jerusalem, the period known as the meridian of time. Assembled is a throng of Roman soldiers. Their helmets signify their loyalty to Caesar, their shields bear his emblem, their spears are crowned by Roman eagles. Assembled also are natives to the land of Jerusalem. Faded into the still night, and gone forever, are the militant and rowdy cries, “Crucify him, crucify him.”
The hour has come. The personal earthly ministry of the Son of God moves swiftly to its dramatic conclusion. A certain loneliness is here. Nowhere to be found are the lame beggars who, because of this man, walk; the deaf who, because of this man, hear; the blind who, because of this man, see; the dead who, because of this man, live.
There remain yet a few faithful followers. From his tortured position on the cruel cross he sees his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing by. He speaks: “Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother!” 7
From that awful hour when time stood still, when the earth did quake and great mountains were brought down—yes, through the annals of history, over the centuries of years and beyond the span of time, there echoes his simple yet divine words, “Behold thy mother.”
As we truly listen to that gentle command and with gladness obey its intent, gone forever will be the vast legions of “mothers forgotten.” Everywhere present will be “mothers remembered,” “mothers blessed,” and “mothers loved”; and, as in the beginning, God will once again survey the workmanship of His own hand and be led to say, “It is very good.”
May each of us treasure this truth: One cannot forget mother and remember God. One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one."
Thomas S. Monson- Behold Thy Mother



  This talk was given in church and it struck a chord with me. The line that has dominated most of my thoughts is,"Men turn from evil and yield to their better natures when mother is remembered."  Today is my mother's birthday, so today I will do no evil and remember her. All joking aside, " All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." She is not a perfect mother, but she is the perfect mother for me. When people turned their backs on me, she stuck by my side. Always giving me the love that I needed to get through the day. She may not have always had the right thing to say, but she cared for me nonetheless. 


  My mama is a blonde-haired, 5'1", blue-eyed, deaf, and single mother of three. As one of the most compassionate people I know, she always was helping anyone who needed it. I don't ever remember her denying anyone service, even when she was sick. Continually showing me that you put others first. Selflessness seemed to be her motto that she lived by daily. I constantly saw people treating her as beneath them and she went out of her way to serve them. This quality always seemed to make the greatest impression on me. She didn't have much, but what she did have she gave. The amount of love this woman possesses is endless. For being as petite as she is, I wouldn't be surprised if you cut her open (morbid for a birthday post) and her heart took up her entire body. I have a few friends that I speak to her about that have had some health issues and, by golly, that woman asks me everyday how they are doing. Mind you, she has never even met them or she has only met them once.


We have been friends and no-so-much friends. It didn't matter what stage we were at, if I needed her she was there; regardless of what our feud was about. You would never want to get into a fight with my mother, by-the-way, she is the most STUBBORN person you will ever meet. Most days I feel as if we are sisters due to how much time we spend with each other. I have yet to find a human being that has disliked her. It's kind of annoying how much people love her. Really.  My children have benefitted the most from having her as their grandma. They have weekly and sometimes daily play dates. She is the perfect amount of goofy for them. To see the joy on their faces when I tell them Nana is coming over is priceless. What 55 year old woman wants to spend their day at Wet N' Wild (a water amusement park)?? I don't even want to, yet if I invite her she is there with a smile asking what I need help with. 


I love this woman more than she will ever know. As my girls get older, I pray that we may have a similar relationship to the one I have with my mama. Minus the parts where she drives me insane. On this day, her birthday, I hope my mother feels as a mother loved, that she is blessed beyond measure, and will never be forgotten by me. 





Saturday, June 21, 2014

I am never alone


I have asked my friend Veronica to write this post. I have known quite a bit about her life and knew of the obstacles she's had to overcome. I relate with her on so many levels and am elated she chose to be an open book. We all live with our masks that hold us back from connecting with others. I hope that this story touches you as much as it does me. Thank you so much Veronica for being vulnerable and brave. 



   My wonderful friend has been waiting too long for this post and I'm glad I did it. It took me very long to really ponder on her topic: "Find the beauty and how has that specific trial helped me in my life." Well, it has been tough to pick one. Unfortunately my life became a living hell for me at the age of 5, too soon if you ask me, but we don't get to pick our trials. So here goes.... My name is Veronica I am a 32 year old mother of 3 beautiful kids who is truly a sucker for love and a lover of life itself. I grew up in a broken, abusive home where I was invisible. My youth became darker by the hour, my soul seemed to vanish in the darkness, love was not in my world ,and loneliness was my only companion. As life got harder I began to seek love in the wrong places, things, and people. I found myself stuck in a hole that only got deeper and deeper. I became a disposable toy for people to use when they wanted. Life was no longer desired nor wanted in my heart. The day came, raging full of hate, that my 15 year old mind could no longer bear to endure. I had decided that would be my last night alive. I went into my bathroom cabinet taking every pill I could find. Honestly, there were so many I couldn't even hold them all on one hand. I was determined and tired of living.
     
   With every pill I took I said goodbyes in my mind. I thought of how everyone would react or if they even cared. I wondered if it would hurt to take my last breath. Would God receive me on the other side? As I lay down in bed, I smiled staying hopeful that someone would come check on me perhaps saving me from what was taking place. Minutes passed. Then an hour. My eyes got heavier and I started to pray. My eyes burned like a thousand flames from the tears that seemed to never stop coming. Suddenly this rush of comfort came to my heart and a strange whisper said, "get up". I realized then that I wanted to live.  There was nothing beautiful in my life at that time and I had nothing to fight for, but that night God came to my rescue at my lowest point. I'll never forget the joy and the assurance He gave me. I felt that I would live to somehow succeed. Quickly I jumped off the bed running straight for the bathroom to empty my stomach hoping for the best. 
   The next day I left my home to never return. Ever since then life has been a bit better: one baby step at a time. I have had some of the worst trials within my own marriage. Things happened that have almost cost me my life yet again. Sadly, once a person becomes suicidal it's easy to relapse again.  My health has been extremely compromised and this body just keeps breaking down on me. Life is still hard and confusing at times, but in all honesty I tell you now that I have found the beauty in my journey. Not just in one trial, but many. I am a gift.  I am never alone and never was. I have been sent here prepared to live this life and succeed as God intended. I am worth so much and I never fully understood it.  That has been my reason to live. God has blessed me beyond measure and is constantly moving his hand in my life. I'm humbled to recognize it and grateful to live through it. Some days are very hard to go on and it seems as if old habits, traumas, and fears haunt my every step. I know that my foundation is the same and as strong as it can be. God loves me. I am good enough for him. He has forgiven me and so I will forgive my self too. Knowing who I am and why I'm here on earth has given me what I need to refocus each day on the blessings I have in front of my weary eyes. Even if a trial fogs my view, I know that God is leading the way if I live through his will and mercy. That gives me great comfort and strength so I can stand up to fight for my life, salvation, family, and for my savior. Life is the most beautiful gift we can ever have. There's too much good in life to spend it crying or upset. Daily I see on the wall in my home a favorite quote,"never let a problem become more important than a person to be loved".
Hell is real. It is real even when we are still breathing, but fear is a choice. I live with a purpose and to fulfill it is my journey... I am never alone.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Always Wanting Change




I've asked my friend Megan to write this wonderful post. I've known her for almost 18 years (since I was 12!) and seen what a wonderful woman/mother she's become. I love the fact that so many of us have different trials we deal with and it goes to prove that 'a trial is a trial'. It may not be YOUR trial, but it is another's.  



When Keri asked me to write a post for her blog I thought sure, I have been through a lot of trials in my life.  Then when I sat down to write, my mind went blank, that or I've had too many trials that I couldn't figure out which one to talk about.  I think I have come down to one and it is my trial of  always wanting change. I know that you all are probably thinking that it isn't much of a trial, but for me it is an on going trial that never ends. I have struggled with this my whole life, it started when I was young when I would rearrange my room every Sunday.  I went to hair school, so you can only imagine how many hairstyles and colors I have had over the years, I even bought a few wigs because my hair couldn't be changed enough.  Now my change consists of moving my own family to a few different states, a few different jobs, and a few different schools. Something always has to change. If my husband knew this about me before hand he might have run the other way.  It sounds silly as I write this down, but I really have a hard time with this. Since DJ and I have been married (9 years) we have lived in 3 different states, moved to 11 different places. We just moved 2 months ago and I am already itching for something new. I keep telling myself that I need to be happy where we are at and settle in one spot. Having kids in school has helped because I know that I wouldn't pull them out during school, and they are making friends, and I really like where we are at (my home town) But once again for some reason in the back of my head I am always looking for that change, that Adventure. My cell phone is dangerous to me because I am constantly looking at the Realtor App to find a house that I know that we couldn't get, or the Indeed Job app for finding my husband a better paying job so that maybe if I found one that we could move somewhere and have that adventure. These apps get me in trouble with my husband and just make me sad that I am stuck where I am. I just had our 5th baby 5 months ago and already knowing that she is my last scares me, because I will not be pregnant or have a newborn again. I know I am crazy and loved being pregnant :) The older I get the more I realize that I just am never quite happy with where I am in life. I don't know if Heavenly Father is trying to torture me with always wanting to move for that change and helping me grow in some way, or that I need to learn how to sit in one spot and choose to be happy with where I am in life. We do have an option to buy the house we are currently renting and it scares me to take that leap. What if something else comes up and we have to move? What if something else comes along that is better? I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I get told that all the time. I have loved every adventure we have been on and have grown from it, but have found something that I didn't like and got out of the situation. Since this is an on going trial for me I hope that the longing for change will subside and that Heavenly Father will help me learn to be happy with what I have. I have so much to be grateful for and don't have anything to complain about not getting what I want. I have a loving husband that works his butt off for me so that I can stay home with our 5 Beautiful kids. I hope that with the continue of prayer, daily scripture study that I will continue to be grateful and learn to love where I am in life. This post might not be helpful for anyone, but I am glad that I was asked. Writing this post has helped me realize that I don't have it bad at all and maybe I  need to just channel my changes through other things to help change the scenery and go explore with my family to have that Adventure in my life.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Self Love Is Not Selfish


“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

 ~Parker Palmer

"Remember the old cliché? “Take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others.”  Or, “ we can’t give what we don’t have.” But what is self-care really? Why is it so difficult and why do we feel guilty about doing it?
We were all given this special house to live in… our own body, mind and soul. It is our responsibility to take good care of it and treat it with ultimate respect. It carries within our special gifts and talents that are uniquely ours. Self-care is about seeking and nurturing internal validation. It is finding the sweet child within and giving him or her soothing comfort, reassurance, and warm, loving thoughts and wishes. It is about taking care of the internal emotional side of our being and learning self-compassion."


"There is a difference between self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior and sound internal self-care. Self-care is about taking good care of our own feelings so we don’t project them onto others, act badly, or cause problems in relationships. Being in touch with our own feelings and embracing them is the healthiest thing we can do."

"Allowing others to define you or seeking external validation does not work. It is a short-term band-aid that will not stick. E.E. Cummings wrote, “ It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”  Nourishing yourself in every way possible will help you blossom and grow into the woman or man you are meant to be. We all have our purpose here and special paths to follow. Using healthy self-care to maintain your internal emotional tune-up is a gift worth giving yourself now."

~Psychology TodayIs Self-Care Selfish? Published on February 10, 2013 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love





I apologize for the break from blogging I have had to take. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually I have had to take a time out to figure what I needed for myself.  I feel the constant need to take care of others and in turn it's caused me to put myself on the back burner. I've been trying to establish internal validation versus external validation for this past little bit; since that is one of my largest struggles. Growing up Stuart has embedded this constant state of guilt within me. As of late, that feeling keeps intensifying with the choices I've had to make regarding what I should and should not do. I've had to make more and more choices to benefit my physical well being and that is starting to take a toll on me emotionally. We are taught to serve others during our trials and in turn our load will be lightened. The battle I have had is: Where do you draw the line and start serving yourself? 

Happiness is something we all strive to have. If we are happy, we exude it. If we attach our happiness to what we can do for others we will always come up short. It's hard for me to say," I cannot do that. I cannot help you. I need a break. I need to relax." When I do say those things I can never rid myself of the guilty feelings I have. Caring for yourself should not be a battle, yet it is. How can we make ourselves a priority in our lives? As a stay-at-home mom my job is 24/7. There are no designated days off, vacation time doesn't seem to be addressed in the job contract either. If I don't take some time for myself, if I don't arrange for a day off here and there (a week sometimes) or if I don't take an evening for myself, I will find myself in a hole that is difficult to climb out of. As a woman in the profession of motherhood, I need to learn how to take care of myself. No one has built that into my job description and no one is going to set boundaries for me. I have to do it myself. As moms, too often we work sacrificially and selflessly to the detriment of our family life. It is then that we become short-tempered and judgmental. I find myself discouraged with the daily duties of a job that never feels finished. My home is a disaster and projects are always on hold. I am constantly questioning the value of what I'm doing and my self-worth. 

"Have you ever been on an airplane and listened to the instructions about using the oxygen masks in an emergency? The flight attendants always give special instructions to those traveling with children: Put your own oxygen mask in place before you place the mask on your child. Those directions seem to go against our very nature. Our first inclination is to take care of that child even if it means sacrificing ourselves. But when we stop to consider the reasoning behind the instruction, it makes sense. If we don't take care of ourselves first, we might not be able to help either one of us and we might both perish in those few precious moments. If we put our mask in place first, we are then in a position to care for others.
The same principle applies at home. We must first take care of ourselves in order to properly take care of others. This will give us the stamina, patience and perspective needed to care for the needs of others over the long haul." -Jill Savage

Not always does that quote apply to mothers. Think of what ranking you give yourself versus others. Do you come in last every time? 
"Another important concept we need to understand is the difference between the urgent and the important. The important things sit and wait while the urgent things scream to us. The phone is a perfect example of this. A conversation on the couch with your husband/friend is important. The phone call in the middle of it seems urgent. Our nature is to choose what seems urgent because we react immediately rather than thinking about the choice we have and determining the best thing to do. Our priorities and goals can help us to determine what is important. But throughout life the urgent will scream louder than the important. In her book, A Mother's Time,

Elise Arndt says,
The urgent matters of life are those that demand our immediate response, the things that constantly bid for our attention. They give no consideration to what is presently being done. They include annoying interruptions at the wrong time for the wrong reason and the pressing needs of people around us. These are the urgent matters of life.
While the urgent continually begs for our attention, the important keeps silent. It patiently waits for us to take notice. While the urgent seeks us, the important waits to be sought by us. The important aspects of life take discipline to perform, while the urgent are accomplished on impulse. We live in constant tension between the two, don't we? Filling the needs of the moment causes us to become weary. We blame hard work for our anxiety. In reality, it is not hard work that produces stress, but doubts and misgivings about what we are doing. We have become slaves to the urgent.
Can you see how the urgent takes us away from the important? So what do we do about it? Discipline is the key." 

I am still learning to say 'no'. This week my goal was to say 'no' before everything came boiling to a head and I came crashing down. Which still happened, but I spent most of the day in bed today. So I am learning. Bear with me as I struggle with this foreign concept.