Self Love Is Not Selfish

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

 ~Parker Palmer

"Remember the old cliché? “Take care of yourself first or you will have nothing left to give others.”  Or, “ we can’t give what we don’t have.” But what is self-care really? Why is it so difficult and why do we feel guilty about doing it?

We were all given this special house to live in… our own body, mind and soul. It is our responsibility to take good care of it and treat it with ultimate respect. It carries within our special gifts and talents that are uniquely ours. Self-care is about seeking and nurturing internal validation. It is finding the sweet child within and giving him or her soothing comfort, reassurance, and warm, loving thoughts and wishes. It is about taking care of the internal emotional side of our being and learning self-compassion."

"There is a difference between self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior and sound internal self-care. Self-care is about taking good care of our own feelings so we don’t project them onto others, act badly, or cause problems in relationships. Being in touch with our own feelings and embracing them is the healthiest thing we can do."

"Allowing others to define you or seeking external validation does not work. It is a short-term band-aid that will not stick. E.E. Cummings wrote, “ It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”  Nourishing yourself in every way possible will help you blossom and grow into the woman or man you are meant to be. We all have our purpose here and special paths to follow. Using healthy self-care to maintain your internal emotional tune-up is a gift worth giving yourself now."

~Psychology Today - Is Self-Care Selfish? Published on February 10, 2013 by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. in The Legacy of Distorted Love

I apologize for the break from blogging I have had to take. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually I have had to take a time out to figure what I needed for myself.  I feel the constant need to take care of others and in turn it's caused me to put myself on the back burner. I've been trying to establish internal validation versus external validation for this past little bit; since that is one of my largest struggles. Growing up Stuart has embedded this constant state of guilt within me. As of late, that feeling keeps intensifying with the choices I've had to make regarding what I should and should not do. I've had to make more and more choices to benefit my physical well being and that is starting to take a toll on me emotionally. We are taught to serve others during our trials and in turn our load will be lightened. The battle I have had is: Where do you draw the line and start serving yourself? 


Happiness is something we all strive to have. If we are happy, we exude it. If we attach our happiness to what we can do for others we will always come up short. It's hard for me to say," I cannot do that. I cannot help you. I need a break. I need to relax." When I do say those things I can never rid myself of the guilty feelings I have. Caring for yourself should not be a battle, yet it is. How can we make ourselves a priority in our lives? As a stay-at-home mom my job is 24/7. There are no designated days off, vacation time doesn't seem to be addressed in the job contract either. If I don't take some time for myself, if I don't arrange for a day off here and there (a week sometimes) or if I don't take an evening for myself, I will find myself in a hole that is difficult to climb out of. As a woman in the profession of motherhood, I need to learn how to take care of myself. No one has built that into my job description and no one is going to set boundaries for me. I have to do it myself. As moms, too often we work sacrificially and selflessly to the detriment of our family life. It is then that we become short-tempered and judgmental. I find myself discouraged with the daily duties of a job that never feels finished. My home is a disaster and projects are always on hold. I am constantly questioning the value of what I'm doing and my self-worth. 

"Have you ever been on an airplane and listened to the instructions about using the oxygen masks in an emergency? The flight attendants always give special instructions to those traveling with children: Put your own oxygen mask in place before you place the mask on your child. Those directions seem to go against our very nature. Our first inclination is to take care of that child even if it means sacrificing ourselves. But when we stop to consider the reasoning behind the instruction, it makes sense. If we don't take care of ourselves first, we might not be able to help either one of us and we might both perish in those few precious moments. If we put our mask in place first, we are then in a position to care for others.

The same principle applies at home. We must first take care of ourselves in order to properly take care of others. This will give us the stamina, patience and perspective needed to care for the needs of others over the long haul." -Jill Savage

Not always does that quote apply to mothers. Think of what ranking you give yourself versus others. Do you come in last every time? 

"Another important concept we need to understand is the difference between the urgent and the important. The important things sit and wait while the urgent things scream to us. The phone is a perfect example of this. A conversation on the couch with your husband/friend is important. The phone call in the middle of it seems urgent. Our nature is to choose what seems urgent because we react immediately rather than thinking about the choice we have and determining the best thing to do. Our priorities and goals can help us to determine what is important. But throughout life the urgent will scream louder than the important. In her book, A Mother's Time,

Elise Arndt says,

The urgent matters of life are those that demand our immediate response, the things that constantly bid for our attention. They give no consideration to what is presently being done. They include annoying interruptions at the wrong time for the wrong reason and the pressing needs of people around us. These are the urgent matters of life.

While the urgent continually begs for our attention, the important keeps silent. It patiently waits for us to take notice. While the urgent seeks us, the important waits to be sought by us. The important aspects of life take discipline to perform, while the urgent are accomplished on impulse. We live in constant tension between the two, don't we? Filling the needs of the moment causes us to become weary. We blame hard work for our anxiety. In reality, it is not hard work that produces stress, but doubts and misgivings about what we are doing. We have become slaves to the urgent.

Can you see how the urgent takes us away from the important? So what do we do about it? Discipline is the key." 

I am still learning to say 'no'. This week my goal was to say 'no' before everything came boiling to a head and I came crashing down. Which still happened, but I spent most of the day in bed today. So I am learning. Bear with me as I struggle with this foreign concept.