Dear you

This post is dedicated to all those who need a pick me up today. I am writing this to my future self for 9 pm tonight, because when my kids are finally in bed I will need this. DESPERATELY. Feel free to share this with someone who needs this or read it over and over until you believe it.

Dear fancy face,
You're insecure. Don't know what for. You're turning heads when you walk through the door. Don't need make up to cover up. Being the way that you are is enough. Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you. Baby you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell,You don't know. Oh Oh,You don't know you're beautiful. Oh wait, that's a One Direction song.... I just had to use them because their lyrics are so profound (sarcasm). Ahem.... ( clearing my throat) Ok, now to lay on the good stuff and to make one of the largest run on sentences I've ever created. You are: intelligent, gorgeous, talented in more ways than one, compassionate, loving, a great human being, beautiful without makeup; even though you don't feel it, optimistic, generous, amazing, great at keeping kids alive, a great friend, a great listener, forgiving, a great parker despite the other parents laughing at you ( this may not pertain to anyone else), creative, a great cook, appreciated, forgiving, happy, trustworthy, capable, passionate, enough, able to accomplish anything, thought of, thoughtful, incredibly patient (most of the time), unique, always trying to do good to others; even though bad things happen, positively wonderful, and wildly funny. 

Read this. Believe this. Repeat. If you aren't able to believe this, fake it till you make it. 

Love,

Me

P.S. A lot of these words are not my own like : beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent ...those I got from the dictionary. So just know that they come from the heart and please don't make me cite everywhere I got the context in this post. Spoiler alert: every word came from the dictionary. 

How Cecelia Came to Be

"These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God and to weaken your resolve to keep your promises to Him. These trials are often camouflaged, making them difficult to identify. They take root in our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our sensitivities, or in those things that matter most to us. A real but manageable test for one can be a fiery trial for another."

"President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Every [person] eventually is backed up to the wall of faith, and there … must make his stand.” Don’t be surprised when it happens to you!"

"By definition, trials will be trying. There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights, and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants or from the household of God."

“Remember, … it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the
whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

"Like the intense fire that transforms iron into steel, as we remain faithful during the fiery trial of our faith, we are spiritually refined and strengthened."

"Elder D. Todd Christofferson explained what he learned from a personal trial: “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”
BY ELDER NEIL L. ANDERSEN  TRIAL OF YOUR FAITH


For those of you who have clicked on this post to learn about the birds and the bees, sorry to disappoint. That talk should be given by your parents. I typed the title of this post that way on purpose, because this post will be about the most hellacious trial I have ever had to go through; Cecelia's pregnancy/postpartum.

I have been extremely reluctant to write about specific trials I have gone through and in doing that I have been hypocritical. Guest editors have been so forthcoming with trials, emotions, and things they hold dear; I should too. After all, this is MY blog.

In October of 2012 I found out I was pregnant with my little babe, Cecelia Esther. She was our 'unexpected' miracle. I had known for awhile that I was supposed to have her, but I wasn't ready mentally for her. You see her older sister, Alice, was the trial of my husband's and my mental stability. To say she was collicky would be the greatest understatement EVER. For 8-9 hours a day she would scream at the top of her lungs. Non-stop for 3 months. I spent the majority of my day driving and the nights were traded off between my husband and I. Thankfully it was during the Christmas season, national parks were nearby, and we knew/know an awesome chiropractor. So you can understand the nervous breakdown I had when there was the 'possibility' I could've been pregnant when Alice was 10 months old.

From September 2012- October 20, 2012 I had lost 25 pounds from a pregnancy disease I acquired called hyperemesis gravidarum. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with: loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%),dehydration and production of ketones, nutritional deficiencies, metabolic imbalances, and difficulty with daily activities. (see:http://www.helpher.org for additional info and resources)
By October 23, 2012 my Ob/gyn had decided that Cecelia's and my health was in danger, so they sent me immediately to the hospital to get a catheter that would assist my body getting fluids through an IV with a medicine pump 24/7. Happy anniversary to my husband and I. I threw up 60 times that day. He had the best present ever of holding my hair as we drove home. Did I ever tell you how much I love my husband? That friday was my second daughter's first birthday party. I was only able to watch most of the festivities from a chair. After the present portion was over I went home while everyone else played at the pumpkin patch; living vicariously through photos that were text to me.

I missed both my daughters birthdays, family members weddings, thanksgiving (due to being in the hospital for 2weeks), most of Christmas, half of my aunts funeral, and the list goes because I was on bed rest for the entire 9 months. HG was debilitating and horrific. I had to rely on my husband and mother to bathe me, hire a full time nanny to watch my other two kids, had nurses calling me daily for vitals, nurses coming to my home weekly, and visited the hospital bimonthly/monthly. During the last 4 months of my pregnancy my body developed gastroparesis and I was unable to eat normal food, leaving me with juicing as the only means of nutrition. That continues on to this day over a year later.

That pregnancy was emotionally, mentally, and physically grueling. I had no idea what to expect from day to day. Most people didn't understand what I went through on a daily basis. I felt utterly alone. I had my few people to whom I could talk to. Now the reason of this post isn't to express how hellacious the past 20 months have been for me. It's quite the opposite. That trial brought so much beauty into my life in so many different ways.

My marriage: Seeing how loving, supportive, compassionate, and honorable my husband was and still is made me create a deeper love with him at such an early point in our marriage. Let's be honest.... Not even two years into our marriage and I fell apart. That would send most every spouse packing. I saw him take care of me in a way that I didn't know existed. He was the best partner I could've chosen for that battle.

My in-laws: I got to know them at an accelerated rate. My mother-in-law spent countless hours at my home taking care of my children and me. My father-in-law constantly provided my family with whatever he could. Both of them took care of the business so my husband could spend more time with us and still do whenever I have procedures. They were two of the most kind-hearted, loving, upstanding people I have ever met and see where my husband learned from.

My children: I appreciate them so much more that I ever thought imaginable. Now that I am unable to have more children, I find myself savoring the small things that I might've taken for granted otherwise.

My mother: She was with me every step of the way. Washing my hair, watching my kids, preparing food, taking me to hospital visits when my husband was enroute, providing emotional stability when I felt I was losing my mind, and loving me unconditionally.

Last but never least my friends: I saw who were my true friends. The ones that stayed with me in the hospital, visited me at home, pushed me in wheelchairs, loved my family, and loved me when I felt unlovable.

Our fiery trials aren't meant to be quick fixes. We don't all go through the same type of trials for reasons of growth meant for only us. Had that trial been a quick fix, I wouldn't have the relationships I have today nor the perspective I now have.

A trial is a trial

This guest editor post is from one of my oldest friends; 26 years and counting! It's to remind us that in everything there is a choice to be optimistic. Enjoy!

We all go through trials. Some are small and others seem unbearable. Sometimes we have a more negative outlook on life during our trials rather than a positive outlook. I am a pretty optimistic person but sometimes during trials I can get stuck (even if it's for a short period of time) having a negative outlook about the trial I am going through. Like most of us we ask ourselves "Why me?", "Really? Another trial?", "Will this ever end?" , etc. The Lord can and will give us the strength we need to get through our trials. Sometimes we might have to wait for Him but He will always come most of the time it's when we can't bare the trial anymore and we turn to Him for help. Another question I like to ask myself during a trial is "What do I am supposed to learn from this trial?" Sometimes I can't answer that right way but there is something in every trial that will help us grow. They will prepare us for future trials.
Here is a personal experience of little trials that seemed to never end on a road trip I took this past weekend. I was driving from Las Vegas to Utah then to Idaho and then back to Utah in a 2 day span and with a schedule of course. The road trip started out totally fine and then we reach Arizona and the traffic was at a stand still on the highway. We find out the highway was closed due to an accident. We were lucky enough to be by an off ramp and we now were on our way on a detour to Utah. I didn't know how long it was going to take but it added 2 hours to our trip. While we were driving one of the cars in front of us had a license plate cover that said, "Enjoy the Journey" that kept popping in my head the whole trip. We finally get to our destination in Utah drop off my friends and my sister and I start driving to Idaho. It's late at night and we decide we should stop and get a hotel. So I was thinking "Great! We aren't on schedule and I am going to be driving more than I want to the next day." I also was thinking "What else could go wrong?" So we got up the next morning and get on our way to Idaho. When we hit the Idaho boarder the weather becomes BAD! No snow really but the wind was ridiculous! On my way back to Utah I get something stuck in my tire and I have to get out and put a spare on. Luckily some random AMAZING guy stops and asks if he could help! That was truly a blessing! Then I had to drive with my spare on to the next town ( 15 miles away) going no more than 50 mph on the highway. When this happened I was like of course this would happen! I was delayed another 2 hours cause I needed a new tires but where I stopped didn't have the tires I wanted so they had to go to another town to get them. So the trip from Idaho to Utah took me 7 hours instead of the 5 hours it usually does. I was tired due to the lack if sleep I had during the weekend. I honestly said, "I am done!! I hope that is all the delays and detours I have this trip." Then I said, " But I am grateful for my safety!" I finally made it home safely! You might be thinking "Man! Those are little things!" Yes they were but for me it was enough! So later that evening I was thinking about the past 2 days and all the detours, delays and tire problems. And I started comparing my little trials to life. I would like to share that with you. So here it is....Experiences\lessons  from this weekend:
Enjoy the journey. Sometimes we have to take some detours in life but we can always get back on the right path. Also there are bumps in the road that need to be repaired or things need to be replaced and we have the perfect repairman (The Lord) to help patch the holes up. Sometimes our journey can take longer than we plan it to but it's ok cause we will always reach the finish line.
Just remember to Enjoy the Journey!

-Jennifer Glad

Shine bright like a diamond

"Sometimes the tough moments in life often make way for greater things than you could possibly imagine."

Seven years ago I received one of the greatest trials in my life; the beginning of the end of my first marriage. I was blind sighted, confused, angry, and devastated. It felt as if I was the punch line to a cruel joke. We took the same vows knelt over an alter, yet I was the only one who had kept my end of the promise. Divorce is the same as experiencing a death, only the death are parts of yourself that you will never get back. You begin to slowly unravel because you had become so vulnerable with this other person. You had given them pieces of yourself that you would never get back. Left naked standing in front of the one person that promised to always be there for you asking," why?" knowing you will never get the truth. 

It took me awhile to see my trials as "presents" in disguise; especially this "present". Mind you this "present" was one I wanted to Rachel the hell out of.... F.R.I.E.N.D.S. lovers will understand this, but for those who haven't watched that show/episode Rachel is exposed as a serial gift returner. I found myself wishing I had a receipt. I didn't want this "present". Picture the largest "present" wrapped all pretty with ribbons and bows, but once you start to open the box a cannon full of confetti blasts you in the face. I was disoriented, trying to get my bearings, not entirely sure what had just happened. Confetti was everywhere. It was in that moment I knew this confetti would never be completely gone from my life. There were days where I laid in the confetti feeling defeated others where it felt that all I ever did was clean up the mess the "present" had left. My mother had spent countless hours sweeping alongside me. She was my personal angel. Her love carried me through each aching day. I was never alone. 

As I had searched this "present" for something of value I found two small, flawless diamonds. One I rocked to bed each night with tears in my eyes feeling as if I failed her and the other allowed me to cry on her shoulders. Never judging. Always there to pick me up and dust off the confetti from the hard to reach places. I slowly realized that one of these diamonds wouldn't be in my life had I not received that particular "present". The diamonds were the same size as the confetti and had the light not shown so brightly on them, I would've missed them completely. Over the years I have learned of more effective ways to clean the confetti, making sure to carefully search for the small diamonds that I know I will continually find if only I look. I know I will never be the same woman I was that first opened that particular "present" and frankly I'm grateful for that. Five of the infinite diamonds I have received came from that "present". They are the ones I have the most gratitude for. 

Now if only my hypothetical diamonds were real then I'd make a suit of them. Name that show. 

Take a break

It takes a lot to admit to yourself and others that 'you can't do it all'. Most see this as a sign of weakness when in reality it's quite the opposite. It requires courage to say," I need help". 

The help that you could require might not always be physical, it can also be emotionally or spiritually. A lot of people associate spirituality with a certain religion. I believe that you can be of any faith and maintain a healthy level of spirituality. We are spiritual beings on a mortal journey, not mortal beings on a spiritual journey. I'm not sure if that is a quote by a specific person; if it's not I'm copyrighting that right now. 

Our body is a vessel to help us complete our journey. We end up placing most of our worth into what our bodies can do, rather than what our spirits can do. We feel that if our body is broken our spirit is broken. Placing your hopes and dreams into your body won't get you anywhere. Placing it in your spirit will get you everywhere. If you encounter a trial that is crushing your spirit, you can take a time out. It's necessary for our salvation to nurture our spirits so we can maintain our strength. Take a day to gather yourself. Give yourself a pep talk and carry on your spiritual journey; despite what your mortal body may be telling you. Your quiet strength will silence the nay sayers. Choose to focus on what you can do spiritually not what you can't do physically. 

Strength in trials

This post is from one of the sweetest women I know. I hope you enjoy!

I remember watching “Anne of Green Gables” when I was a teenager.  It is still one of my favorite movies.  One of the lines that I have always tried to live by is said by Marilla, “To despair is to turn your back on God”.  Although I am sure this is not an original saying, I loved it and always thought I would never have any reason to despair.  There would always be hope, the opposite of despair.  Through difficult times in my life, I was able to find hope, comfort and love in my family and friends.

I didn’t marry until I was 36, and had my little girl at 38.  I had prayed in earnest to be blessed with a husband and children of my own, and the Lord did answer my prayers!  The day our baby was placed in mine and then my husband’s arms was the most joyous of my life.  There is not one thing in life that can compare to that moment.  Her sweet little spirit and angelic face were one more of many confirmations in my life that God is real and that He loved me.

Almost three months later however that feeling of joy had turned to one of concern.  At two months my baby was crying it seemed all the time.  I would do anything I could to calm her.  I was exhausted and began to not sleep, even when she slept.  At her 2 month visit, I mentioned this to her pediatrician.  The doctor was not only concerned about the crying, but my baby was not gaining weight as she should, so tests were ordered. After some initial blood work, we were sent to the E.R.  We stayed three days in the hospital to find that she had an enlarged kidney.  The doctors thought this was not the cause of her irritability, but it was a cause for concern.  Thankfully, after we came home, she seemed calmer, was crying less and started sleeping more at night.  That, though, is when things got really difficult.

As my baby started sleeping better, I started feeling worse.  I couldn’t relax.  My stomach felt as if it were in knots.  Then there were times in the night and early mornings that I felt it was on the floor.  I began to cry constantly (picking up where my baby had left off).  My baby was starting to sleep 4, 5 and 6 hour stretches at night, but I would sleep one hour and be awake the rest of the night, unable to shut my mind off from the worry that she would wake at any moment.  I wasn’t eating, and the ache in my stomach was so bad, I thought it was hunger.  I began to think I was a bad mother, that my baby deserved someone better.  I felt I was not good enough, and didn’t deserve this beautiful girl that I had prayed for. These thoughts and more were frightening, and I began to despair.  I had lost my hope.

The worst night came.  I had slept 3 hours in the last 3 days.  My sweet husband was doing all he could to help, and was downstairs trying to soothe the baby back to sleep.  I prayed.  I was prompted reach out for help, and called one of my sisters at 1:00 a.m.  My entire extended family rallied around me.  My sister took my family in.  She got up with the baby so I could try to sleep.   For three weeks she cared for me as I believe our mother would have.  I attended church and took the sacrament. Then, General Conference came.  I had always heard that if you were looking for an answer to problems, to ask the Lord and he would have a General Authority give that answer in an address.  I heard Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk on depression.  Never had words from an Apostle been more welcome.  For the first time in weeks, I felt hope.  I remembered that my Savior, when in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffered not only for our sins, but for our sorrows too.  He knew what I was going through, what many of us on earth go through, and had taken it on willingly.  From that moment on, I allowed him to help me bear my burden.  My yoke was lifted and my burden made light.  I knew that Heavenly Father loved me. I did not believe before that a mental anguish could cause physical suffering.  I know now that it can.  Without the sustained love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, and the support of my husband, sisters and brothers, I would not have gotten through this trial.  I know that my Savior truly loves me.  Recovering from this depression has been a slow process but now I find joy and rejoicing in my posterity.  My little girl is the light of my life and all the more precious to me because I feel I have earned her love by conquering this trial. I am so grateful for the simple truths that I was taught as a youth and am so grateful to have a testimony of gaining strength through trials.

-Janel Rison

Always pack an extra umbrella

When we go through a trial it's natural to go inside ourselves and focus on our own lives. I feel there is a fine line between being: self sufficient and selfish. Being self sufficient is a necessity in most situations, but most of the time it turns to being selfish quickly. We see our problems as being the most important thing and we put all our energy into solving OUR problems rather than reaching out to those who are struggling as well. 

There have been times in my life where I have felt too busy, too overwhelmed, too tired, etc the list goes on. In reality, how hard is it to take 5 minutes to send a text or mail a card (we have the usps for a reason) when we think of someone? I found reasons to justify focusing on MY problems. We all have our own storms. All of us. What makes my life more important than someone else's life? Nothing. Most trials you go through, the blessing in the end is that you learn something so you can lift the burden off another's shoulders. Why don't we do this more often? I can not think of a more humbling experience than when I finally reached out to someone and saw how much suffering I could have eased; if only I did it sooner. 

People are placed in our lives for a reason. This is a lesson that keeps getting beat into my head. Your family is the most important thing. However, your family can consist of people that are not blood related. My dearest friends, that are considered family, were acquired from me looking past my own storm to extend an umbrella. 

Logically speaking: taking 5 minutes out of your day can make someone's 1,440 minutes (24hours). Which will then make your week consisting of 10,080 minutes and will take your mind off the storm you are currently facing. It's a win-win situation. Plus, you might actually smile a little more leading all the way back to being a more attractive human being. I know it's a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to try.