Strength in trials

This post is from one of the sweetest women I know. I hope you enjoy!

I remember watching “Anne of Green Gables” when I was a teenager.  It is still one of my favorite movies.  One of the lines that I have always tried to live by is said by Marilla, “To despair is to turn your back on God”.  Although I am sure this is not an original saying, I loved it and always thought I would never have any reason to despair.  There would always be hope, the opposite of despair.  Through difficult times in my life, I was able to find hope, comfort and love in my family and friends.

I didn’t marry until I was 36, and had my little girl at 38.  I had prayed in earnest to be blessed with a husband and children of my own, and the Lord did answer my prayers!  The day our baby was placed in mine and then my husband’s arms was the most joyous of my life.  There is not one thing in life that can compare to that moment.  Her sweet little spirit and angelic face were one more of many confirmations in my life that God is real and that He loved me.

Almost three months later however that feeling of joy had turned to one of concern.  At two months my baby was crying it seemed all the time.  I would do anything I could to calm her.  I was exhausted and began to not sleep, even when she slept.  At her 2 month visit, I mentioned this to her pediatrician.  The doctor was not only concerned about the crying, but my baby was not gaining weight as she should, so tests were ordered. After some initial blood work, we were sent to the E.R.  We stayed three days in the hospital to find that she had an enlarged kidney.  The doctors thought this was not the cause of her irritability, but it was a cause for concern.  Thankfully, after we came home, she seemed calmer, was crying less and started sleeping more at night.  That, though, is when things got really difficult.

As my baby started sleeping better, I started feeling worse.  I couldn’t relax.  My stomach felt as if it were in knots.  Then there were times in the night and early mornings that I felt it was on the floor.  I began to cry constantly (picking up where my baby had left off).  My baby was starting to sleep 4, 5 and 6 hour stretches at night, but I would sleep one hour and be awake the rest of the night, unable to shut my mind off from the worry that she would wake at any moment.  I wasn’t eating, and the ache in my stomach was so bad, I thought it was hunger.  I began to think I was a bad mother, that my baby deserved someone better.  I felt I was not good enough, and didn’t deserve this beautiful girl that I had prayed for. These thoughts and more were frightening, and I began to despair.  I had lost my hope.

The worst night came.  I had slept 3 hours in the last 3 days.  My sweet husband was doing all he could to help, and was downstairs trying to soothe the baby back to sleep.  I prayed.  I was prompted reach out for help, and called one of my sisters at 1:00 a.m.  My entire extended family rallied around me.  My sister took my family in.  She got up with the baby so I could try to sleep.   For three weeks she cared for me as I believe our mother would have.  I attended church and took the sacrament. Then, General Conference came.  I had always heard that if you were looking for an answer to problems, to ask the Lord and he would have a General Authority give that answer in an address.  I heard Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk on depression.  Never had words from an Apostle been more welcome.  For the first time in weeks, I felt hope.  I remembered that my Savior, when in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffered not only for our sins, but for our sorrows too.  He knew what I was going through, what many of us on earth go through, and had taken it on willingly.  From that moment on, I allowed him to help me bear my burden.  My yoke was lifted and my burden made light.  I knew that Heavenly Father loved me. I did not believe before that a mental anguish could cause physical suffering.  I know now that it can.  Without the sustained love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, and the support of my husband, sisters and brothers, I would not have gotten through this trial.  I know that my Savior truly loves me.  Recovering from this depression has been a slow process but now I find joy and rejoicing in my posterity.  My little girl is the light of my life and all the more precious to me because I feel I have earned her love by conquering this trial. I am so grateful for the simple truths that I was taught as a youth and am so grateful to have a testimony of gaining strength through trials.

-Janel Rison