“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good
stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to
others.”
~Parker Palmer
"Remember the old cliché? “Take care of yourself
first or you will have nothing left to give others.” Or, “ we can’t give
what we don’t have.” But what is self-care really? Why is it so difficult and
why do we feel guilty about doing it?
We were all given this special house to live in… our
own body, mind and soul. It is our responsibility to take good care of it and
treat it with ultimate respect. It carries within our special gifts and talents
that are uniquely ours. Self-care is about seeking and nurturing internal
validation. It is finding the sweet child within and giving him or her soothing
comfort, reassurance, and warm, loving thoughts and wishes. It is about taking
care of the internal emotional side of our being and learning
self-compassion."
"There is a difference
between self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior and sound internal self-care.
Self-care is about taking good care of our own feelings so we don’t project
them onto others, act badly, or cause problems in relationships. Being in touch
with our own feelings and embracing them is the healthiest thing we can
do."
"Allowing others to
define you or seeking external validation does not work. It is a short-term
band-aid that will not stick. E.E. Cummings wrote, “ It takes courage to grow
up and become who you really are.” Nourishing yourself in every way
possible will help you blossom and grow into the woman or man you are meant to
be. We all have our purpose here and special paths to follow. Using healthy
self-care to maintain your internal emotional tune-up is a gift worth giving
yourself now."
~Psychology Today - Is Self-Care Selfish? Published on February 10, 2013 by Karyl McBride,
Ph.D. in The Legacy of
Distorted Love
I apologize for the break
from blogging I have had to take. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually
I have had to take a time out to figure what I needed for myself. I feel
the constant need to take care of others and in turn it's caused me to put
myself on the back burner. I've been trying to establish internal validation
versus external validation for this past little bit; since that is one of my
largest struggles. Growing up Stuart has embedded this constant state of guilt
within me. As of late, that feeling keeps intensifying with the choices I've
had to make regarding what I should and should not do. I've had to make more
and more choices to benefit my physical well being and that is starting to take
a toll on me emotionally. We are taught to serve others during our trials and
in turn our load will be lightened. The battle I have had is: Where do you draw
the line and start serving yourself?
Happiness is something we
all strive to have. If we are happy, we exude it. If we attach our happiness to
what we can do for others we will always come up short. It's hard for me to
say," I cannot do that. I cannot help you. I need a break. I need to
relax." When I do say those things I can never rid myself of the guilty
feelings I have. Caring for yourself should not be a battle, yet it is. How can
we make ourselves a priority in our lives? As a stay-at-home mom my job is
24/7. There are no designated days off, vacation time doesn't seem to be addressed in the job contract
either. If I don't take some time for myself, if I don't arrange for a day off here and there (a week
sometimes) or if I don't take an evening for myself, I will find myself in a hole that is difficult to
climb out of. As a woman in the profession of motherhood, I need to learn how to take care of myself.
No one has built that into my job description and no one is going to set boundaries for me. I
have to do it myself. As moms, too often we work sacrificially and selflessly
to the detriment of our family life. It is then that we become short-tempered and judgmental. I find
myself discouraged with the daily duties of a job that never feels finished. My home is a disaster
and projects are always on hold. I am constantly questioning the value of what I'm doing and my
self-worth.
"Have you ever been on an airplane and listened to the instructions
about using the oxygen masks in an emergency? The flight attendants always give
special instructions to those traveling with children: Put your own oxygen mask
in place before you place the mask on your child. Those directions seem to go
against our very nature. Our first inclination is to take care of that child
even if it means sacrificing ourselves. But when we stop to consider the
reasoning behind the instruction, it makes sense. If we don't take care of
ourselves first, we might not be able to help either one of us and we might
both perish in those few precious moments. If we put our mask in place first,
we are then in a position to care for others.
The same principle applies at home. We must first take care of ourselves in
order to properly take care of others. This will give us the stamina, patience
and perspective needed to care for the needs of others over the long
haul." -Jill Savage
Not always does that quote apply to mothers. Think of what ranking you give
yourself versus others. Do you come in last every time?
"Another important concept we need to understand is the
difference between the urgent and the important. The important things sit and
wait while the urgent things
scream to us. The phone is a perfect example
of this. A conversation on the couch with your
husband/friend is important. The phone call in the middle of it seems urgent. Our nature is to
choose what seems urgent because we
react immediately rather than thinking about the choice we have and determining the best thing to do. Our priorities
and goals can help us to determine what is important. But throughout life the
urgent will scream louder than the important. In her book, A Mother's
Time,
Elise Arndt says,
The urgent matters of life are those that demand our immediate response,
the things that constantly bid for our attention. They give no consideration to
what is presently being done. They include annoying interruptions at the wrong
time for the wrong reason and the pressing needs of people around us. These are
the urgent matters of life.
While the urgent continually begs for our attention, the important keeps
silent. It patiently waits for us to take notice. While the urgent seeks us,
the important waits to be sought by us. The important aspects of life take
discipline to perform, while the urgent are accomplished on impulse. We live in
constant tension between the two, don't we? Filling the needs of the moment
causes us to become weary. We blame hard work for our anxiety. In reality, it
is not hard work that produces stress, but doubts and misgivings about what we
are doing. We have become slaves to the urgent.
Can you see how the urgent takes us away from the important? So what do we
do about it? Discipline is the key."
I am still
learning to say 'no'. This week my goal was to say 'no' before everything came
boiling to a head and I came crashing down. Which still happened, but I spent
most of the day in bed today. So I am learning. Bear with me as I struggle with
this foreign concept.
