Why not me?

"It may be safely assumed that no person has ever lived
 entirely free of suffering and sorrow, nor has there ever been a period in human history that did not have its full share of turmoil and misery.

When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges. To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself." -Thomas S. Monson 

This post won't be great and lengthy. All I truly wanted to say was the above quote and add a few things. When you have hit rock bottom you have nothing left to be afraid of, because it can only go up. You can not fail anymore. You then are limited to two choices: wallow in your misfortunes or pick yourself up and say, "why not me?". There have been times where I did ask, "why me?" and I am glad I picked myself up. If not for that moment in time I would not have realized my worth, my loves, and what I was capable of doing. Don't allow someone or something to hold you down. You will always have tomorrow. If everyone turns on you, don't turn on yourself. 

My Heart is With Yours

This post is from one of my oldest friends, Charlie Melvin. I love being able to share others' stories. Thank you to the women who have opened up already. Enjoy!

It has been little over four years since I went through a very difficult experience. Every year that passes it gets a little easier but a void will always remain no matter how much time passes....We had been trying since last October 2008 to get pregnant again with our third. After months of trying and two miscarriages, I was finally put on Chlomid to help the process and we were finally successful. However, from the start I had complications that had to do with the baby and complications that didn't. For one, I have two herniated discs in my back which made it very hard to walk or stand and kept me in bed even though I had two young children to take care of.  The beginning of the pregnancy was rough and I was felt so sick all the time.  I had already been so incredibly uncomfortable with the pregnancy and with other complications arising that I was told I would go on bedrest the 20th week. Dr. Swainston, who I had been seeing weekly, was also sending me to a Parinatologist specialist to check my progress and to have me start Projesterone shots daily. The day I went in to see him for the first time was Friday, October 2nd. I was going there for 2 seperate ultrasounds. The first one seemed fine...the second one was a nightmare. I could personally tell from having ultrasounds every week since my 3rd week of pregnancy that the baby didn't look like she usually did.  The night before I had felt her light movements and even though we had complications,  we had every reason to believe all was well especially because I was under so much supervision.  During that ultrasound, the tech was very quiet but then she spoke up very quickly after only a few moments, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  She said it so frankly as if there was no other way to deliver that kind of news.  I didn't know if I even heard heard her right until she literally stood up and ran out!  Instantly the blood rushed to my face when it hit me and that's when I started sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor ran in quickly looking over the ultrasound. He just apologized over and over and noticed that I was on my way quickly to hyperventilating and passing out. I couldn't catch my breath.  He got a cold towel for my face and turned me on my side and just kept apologizing.  He asked for my cell phone and called my husband immediately. I couldn't even use the phone myself.  He told him everything and I just sobbed and screamed. He then called my OB and gave him the news right there.  The sweet doctor gave me a hug and let me stay in the room as long as I wanted but I quickly got dressed and left. The next few weeks were a personal hell. I was trying to wait until Tuesday to make my induction appointment because the best way and the safest way to remove my 17 1/2 week baby was for me to give birth to her exactly as I had any other baby. But Sunday I started cramping badly and went to Summerlin Hospital. There I was induced at 3 p.m. and Josh and I decided to be alone for the process. It was a long night and I was in labor for 16 hours and was kept very drugged. Josh spoke with the Bishop over and over and we were told to give the baby a name and a blessing and she would be put in the church records as a stillborn in our family. When she finally came, the nurses wrapped her up and put her in my arms. I asked them to leave and they let us have as much time with Lucy Nicole as we wanted. We just held her and cried and cried together. We took pictures to keep as sacred memories. Josh blessed her and gave her a name...and he said things in the blessing that we knew did not come from his own thoughts. Sacred things for just the two of us to know in this life.  That was one of the most beautiful experiences we have ever had together as a couple.  When I was finally released from the hospital hours later,  they put me in a wheelchair like any other new mom except I didn't have a baby to take home. When they opened the door, there was a picture of a fallen leaf with a single droplet of water on it.  This was to let the nurses know that the baby in this room did not survive.  They gave me a box and when I opened it at home, there were more pictures of my Lucy, her hospital bracelets and two tiny knitted blankets they took her pictures in.  The box was beautifully hand painted and my heart will always hold a special place for whoever the woman was that did that for a stranger.  She'll never know the love that I have in my heart for her.  The weeks that passed were the hardest times I've ever had. My emotions ranged from pure sadness to anger to depression to even embarrassment in public and around friends and family.  I didn't understand that emotion but I had it.  I distinctly remember after so much praying and pleading for peace that one night I just knew that everything was going to be ok and I felt a huge sense of love and peace and I knew that God really held me through that journey. So many miraculous and inspiring things happened. My life was so blessed by service from family and friends.  Going through that with my husband strengthened our relationship ten fold and I know now that I can do anything with him. We can survive anything.  My love and gratitude for my children grew and I appreciated them so much more and cherished them like I never had before even though I thought I did.  What did I learn from this?  The greatest lesson I learned was that we can get through everything and anything. Even when bad things happen. It doesn't matter what it is because in the end, everything WILL be ok. And now I apply that to everything.  Losing a baby that late was horrific and I yearn for the day I get to hold her again. I definitely feel this void but I also know she is part of us forever.  When I saw my regular OB after it happened, the nurse I grew close to gave me a long hug and said, my heart is with yours.  It was the perfect thing to say because at the time it was extremely hard dealing with reactions from people.  But now when this has happens to other women I know, it is the saying I always use and I'll never forget it.  Our little baby Lucy will always be a big part of our family and a joy in our lives that just can't be explained to people who haven't been in this situation. She did die, but even more so, we know she lives. And we love her as much as we love our living children. Life is hard...but this experience made life so much more worth it and I would never ever ask for this experience to have been taken away.  One day I will hold her & raise her...no doubt about it. 

Charlie Melvin

Prove it (said in a taunting voice)

Everyone has that person or people in their lives that they feel they need to "prove" themselves to. As if to say that THEIR time with you is to be won. You are in front of them and their actions are saying," dance for me puppet. Entertain me. Prove to me you are worth my time". If you are reading this thinking," Psssht. This girl is nuts. There is no one I feel that way towards" ; then you my friend are THAT person and you need to stop being a punk.

You should not have to prove your worth to another. The only person you should be proving anything to is yourself. We are not in second grade anymore. If someone challenges us with what we are doing in our lives we should just mentally walk away or say, "I'm rubber you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you"! You hold yourself accountable not others. Don't allow intimidation, insecurities, or anxiety to get the best of you. I always feel that I am having to clean up the word 'vomit' after I speak to certain people. My brain doesn't know when to stop and I keep going trying to say something I hope they approve of. Afterwards I am so frazzled having said WAY more than I anticipated and beat myself up for allowing the situation to get the best of me.

Stop the masochism. There will always be someone better at things, smarter than you, taller than you ( I deal with this daily), and  insert whatever else you want. You know what? That is okay. The way you treat others is enough. There is always room for improvement at any age. That is the beauty of our lives; we can always improve. We are only as great as we allow ourselves to be. I'll end this with a quote from a very unlikely source that will probably make you groan in disgust, but I don't care.... "I'd rather not be appreciated being honest, than be appreciated not being honest." via Juan Pablo on 'The Bachelor'. See I knew there was I reason I watch trashy television.

Miracles happen everyday

I have asked one of my dearest friends to write a post. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. She truly is an admirable person who finds the beauty daily. 

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate”- Dove chocolate wrapper

I have never been one of those people that has ever taken any part of my life for granted. I have always loved spending time with my family. I adore and cherish my children, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my nephews, aunt & uncles, cousins, my in-laws and my true friends.

Every morning I wake up and every evening I go to bed I am so thankful for every part of my life. I have been blessed with the love of a man that has been with me from near death & back and still looks at me like I am the most amazing person in the world. I have been blessed with my beautiful children that are everything and more than I could’ve ever imagined. Every time I look at my kids, I almost cry because I almost never made it to see them grow up, to hear them tell me about their day and to get their beautiful hugs and kisses. I am blessed with unconditional love and support from my amazing parents, my siblings, my nephews and my extended family!

Over the past almost 4 years I have had many struggles with myself. The hardest day of my life was when I was 25 years old and I was involved in a fatal car accident with my grandparents and my mom. That horrible day I lost 2 of my heroes and thought I would be losing a lot more. As I sat in the car trying to figure out what happened, I looked around at everyone in the car and I felt completely helpless. I made eye contact with my mom and said, “ I am sorry” I climbed out of the car not knowing if that was the last time I would ever see her. I laid on the side of the car wishing I could hold my kids and my husband. I thought I would never get to see my parents, my siblings, my nephews or anyone in my family that I love and hold dear. My guardian angel was one the first responders to our accident. She talked to me and made me promise her that she would have a new facebook friend when I got out of the hospital. Although, I could not see her because my vision had gone blurry, I knew she was and still is my guardian angel. Both my grandparents passed away from injuries sustained in this accident and I never got to say good bye, but I know without a doubt they know how I feel about them because I told them all the time!

I spent 2 weeks in the ICU and 1 week in a rehabilitation center. My first week there was spent in a horrifying chemical induced coma. I suffered a broken C2 (a.k.a. hangman’s fracture), a slip in my C3 & C4, broken ribs, punctured lungs, lacerated liver & kidney and a ruptured spleen. I ended up in a halo device for 3.5 months, which was a struggle all it’s own to go out in public or even face my kids. Although some people found humor in my halo, and believe me that hurt, I still smiled at their snarky jokes. I couldn’t pick up my kids and I could barely kiss them, it was so hard to figure out to function how I was used to functioning.

My husband and I drove from Texas to Utah and I cried our whole 14 hour drive home from the hospital because I didn’t know what my kids were going to think of my halo. I thought maybe they would be scared and not want to come near ne but when I got home, they ran and hugged me. Every time my husband looked at me, I felt embarrassed but he would always tell me how beautiful I was. My whole family made me feel like I was still myself even when I felt I wasn’t me anymore.

Even though I still have hard days, all my scars and pain remind me of how lucky and blessed I am to be where and who I am. If I am having a hard day I remind myself that I am alive. I almost didn’t live to see my 26^thbirthday and every year I am excited to get older and see all the amazing experiences my life has to offer. It took me many years to realize that I am still the same person and once I realized that, I became at peace with myself.

I hope that for anyone reading this, no matter what you have been through in life and I know there might be times you feel knocked down and like you can’t get up again, please remind yourself how lucky you are to be alive and how amazing you are! 

Life really is beautiful and so are you! 

To all my family and friends that have been there to support me and love me for me, Thank you! You can never imagine how much you helped me heal!

-Kassitty Knight

The definition of crazy is doing the same thing expecting different results

"In our lives we will be given many opportunities to grow and to improve. We  must take advantage of them and be willing to accept change when it will improve our lives and the lives of those whom we love." 

It's hard to change for the better. It's hard to change period. That requires work. I always am torn between feeling as if I have too much on my plate or as if I have done too little that day. Where is the sanity in that? How is that helping me grow in any way? Evaluating my actions and behaviors is a normal process. How can I grow if I don't hold myself accountable for the things I have done that day? Judging where I lacked; is not. You will always feel as if you didn't do enough that day. At the end of the day to promote a healthy, positive attitude towards yourself you need to focus on what you did right and give praise where it is due. Are your kids alive? Check. I didn't kill them. That's a HUGE gold star for you. No handcuffs or you on the eleven o'clock news. Did you smile or laugh that day?

Check. I laughed instead of beating my kid for drawing on my blinds. It did look a little "dirty". Yes, sometimes it's ok to think like a twelve year old if it gets you laughing. Did you help someone? If so, then I think you did pretty well that day. 

To find the beauty you must be willing to see things differently than you already do. Go to bed thinking positive thoughts and you will wake up in a better mood. If you have the choice to laugh or cry at a situation; always choose laughter. Plus, added bonus it works your abs in case you feel like you suck at working out, which I do. Be a happy, positive person and your children will reflect that. Even though Dwight Schrute says," showing your teeth is a sign of weakness" do it anyways. People are prettier when they smile. See! Check that off your list about not feeling pretty enough. You smiled,therefore you were prettier today. 

A Little Love Goes A Long Way

I am not a blogger nor am I an extremely open person with my life. I am a mother, friend, wife, and student for life. The reason I wanted to start this blog is simple: gratitude equals happiness. Many people place their happiness in other peoples' opinions, how they look, what they can accomplish in a day, what they own, etc. I have been that person.

The past 18 months of my life have been an eye opening experience for me because of the trials I have faced. Relationships were made, others lost, but overall the greatest relationship I harvested was one with myself. It made me see how much worth I put into others' opinions of me and my life. I hid my happiness for fear of offending someone else quite often; instead of genuinely being happy for what I was accomplishing in my life. I had to become dependent on several people for every day living which didn't sit well with me AT ALL. I reflected on my life and started to wish certain things never happened to me. Finally, I got a wake up call and read a letter that told me to find gratitude in my trials. This being the last year in my 20's, I figured I needed to change some things in my life to obtain the happiness I wanted. You can't change the past. You learn from it and better yourself because of it. I was in a rut and needed to fix things fast. As woman, I kept replaying things over and over and over and over in my mind. What did I do wrong? Why is it like this? Why can't they accept me for who I am? Why can't I ever seem to do anything right? This my friends is unhealthy. I know this because I have a wonderful husband and certain friends who helped me realize this. I was listening to a record on repeat in my head, beating myself up, and not enjoying what was right in front of me.

This started my journey to accepting myself. I know that I may never truly accept EVERYTHING about myself, but I can love the things that make me ME. A few people I know started posting pictures of quotes some saying: What people think of you is none of your business, Everyone isn't going to love you and they don't have to, Act without expectation, If you knew how capable you are, you'd stop worrying and start amazing yourself.... etc. I then started reading more and focusing on how my behavior affected my little family. If this was causing so much turmoil within me; how would I feel if my daughters grew up feeling the same way? It's not healthy behavior, yet almost every woman I know feels some sort of failure within themselves. It's proven that certain behaviors are passed down from parents/family members/friends to children, but that doesn't mean we can't change those behaviors. That is why I am starting this blog. I will be posting quotes and inspirational thoughts that are helping me; hopefully they help you. We all struggle and will all continue to. Not one of us is ugly, only our behavior towards others can affect the beauty we exude. Starting today with my girls I am going to empower them, love them, teach them, and be the change I want to see.

Feel free to comment on something you love about yourself or that you are grateful for.