Dear you

This post is dedicated to all those who need a pick me up today. I am writing this to my future self for 9 pm tonight, because when my kids are finally in bed I will need this. DESPERATELY. Feel free to share this with someone who needs this or read it over and over until you believe it.

Dear fancy face,
You're insecure. Don't know what for. You're turning heads when you walk through the door. Don't need make up to cover up. Being the way that you are is enough. Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you. Baby you light up my world like nobody else. The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell,You don't know. Oh Oh,You don't know you're beautiful. Oh wait, that's a One Direction song.... I just had to use them because their lyrics are so profound (sarcasm). Ahem.... ( clearing my throat) Ok, now to lay on the good stuff and to make one of the largest run on sentences I've ever created. You are: intelligent, gorgeous, talented in more ways than one, compassionate, loving, a great human being, beautiful without makeup; even though you don't feel it, optimistic, generous, amazing, great at keeping kids alive, a great friend, a great listener, forgiving, a great parker despite the other parents laughing at you ( this may not pertain to anyone else), creative, a great cook, appreciated, forgiving, happy, trustworthy, capable, passionate, enough, able to accomplish anything, thought of, thoughtful, incredibly patient (most of the time), unique, always trying to do good to others; even though bad things happen, positively wonderful, and wildly funny. 

Read this. Believe this. Repeat. If you aren't able to believe this, fake it till you make it. 

Love,

Me

P.S. A lot of these words are not my own like : beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent ...those I got from the dictionary. So just know that they come from the heart and please don't make me cite everywhere I got the context in this post. Spoiler alert: every word came from the dictionary. 

How Cecelia Came to Be

"These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger, but they have the potential to diminish or even destroy your trust in the Son of God and to weaken your resolve to keep your promises to Him. These trials are often camouflaged, making them difficult to identify. They take root in our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our sensitivities, or in those things that matter most to us. A real but manageable test for one can be a fiery trial for another."

"President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Every [person] eventually is backed up to the wall of faith, and there … must make his stand.” Don’t be surprised when it happens to you!"

"By definition, trials will be trying. There may be anguish, confusion, sleepless nights, and pillows wet with tears. But our trials need not be spiritually fatal. They need not take us from our covenants or from the household of God."

“Remember, … it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the
whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

"Like the intense fire that transforms iron into steel, as we remain faithful during the fiery trial of our faith, we are spiritually refined and strengthened."

"Elder D. Todd Christofferson explained what he learned from a personal trial: “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”
BY ELDER NEIL L. ANDERSEN  TRIAL OF YOUR FAITH


For those of you who have clicked on this post to learn about the birds and the bees, sorry to disappoint. That talk should be given by your parents. I typed the title of this post that way on purpose, because this post will be about the most hellacious trial I have ever had to go through; Cecelia's pregnancy/postpartum.

I have been extremely reluctant to write about specific trials I have gone through and in doing that I have been hypocritical. Guest editors have been so forthcoming with trials, emotions, and things they hold dear; I should too. After all, this is MY blog.

In October of 2012 I found out I was pregnant with my little babe, Cecelia Esther. She was our 'unexpected' miracle. I had known for awhile that I was supposed to have her, but I wasn't ready mentally for her. You see her older sister, Alice, was the trial of my husband's and my mental stability. To say she was collicky would be the greatest understatement EVER. For 8-9 hours a day she would scream at the top of her lungs. Non-stop for 3 months. I spent the majority of my day driving and the nights were traded off between my husband and I. Thankfully it was during the Christmas season, national parks were nearby, and we knew/know an awesome chiropractor. So you can understand the nervous breakdown I had when there was the 'possibility' I could've been pregnant when Alice was 10 months old.

From September 2012- October 20, 2012 I had lost 25 pounds from a pregnancy disease I acquired called hyperemesis gravidarum. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with: loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%),dehydration and production of ketones, nutritional deficiencies, metabolic imbalances, and difficulty with daily activities. (see:http://www.helpher.org for additional info and resources)
By October 23, 2012 my Ob/gyn had decided that Cecelia's and my health was in danger, so they sent me immediately to the hospital to get a catheter that would assist my body getting fluids through an IV with a medicine pump 24/7. Happy anniversary to my husband and I. I threw up 60 times that day. He had the best present ever of holding my hair as we drove home. Did I ever tell you how much I love my husband? That friday was my second daughter's first birthday party. I was only able to watch most of the festivities from a chair. After the present portion was over I went home while everyone else played at the pumpkin patch; living vicariously through photos that were text to me.

I missed both my daughters birthdays, family members weddings, thanksgiving (due to being in the hospital for 2weeks), most of Christmas, half of my aunts funeral, and the list goes because I was on bed rest for the entire 9 months. HG was debilitating and horrific. I had to rely on my husband and mother to bathe me, hire a full time nanny to watch my other two kids, had nurses calling me daily for vitals, nurses coming to my home weekly, and visited the hospital bimonthly/monthly. During the last 4 months of my pregnancy my body developed gastroparesis and I was unable to eat normal food, leaving me with juicing as the only means of nutrition. That continues on to this day over a year later.

That pregnancy was emotionally, mentally, and physically grueling. I had no idea what to expect from day to day. Most people didn't understand what I went through on a daily basis. I felt utterly alone. I had my few people to whom I could talk to. Now the reason of this post isn't to express how hellacious the past 20 months have been for me. It's quite the opposite. That trial brought so much beauty into my life in so many different ways.

My marriage: Seeing how loving, supportive, compassionate, and honorable my husband was and still is made me create a deeper love with him at such an early point in our marriage. Let's be honest.... Not even two years into our marriage and I fell apart. That would send most every spouse packing. I saw him take care of me in a way that I didn't know existed. He was the best partner I could've chosen for that battle.

My in-laws: I got to know them at an accelerated rate. My mother-in-law spent countless hours at my home taking care of my children and me. My father-in-law constantly provided my family with whatever he could. Both of them took care of the business so my husband could spend more time with us and still do whenever I have procedures. They were two of the most kind-hearted, loving, upstanding people I have ever met and see where my husband learned from.

My children: I appreciate them so much more that I ever thought imaginable. Now that I am unable to have more children, I find myself savoring the small things that I might've taken for granted otherwise.

My mother: She was with me every step of the way. Washing my hair, watching my kids, preparing food, taking me to hospital visits when my husband was enroute, providing emotional stability when I felt I was losing my mind, and loving me unconditionally.

Last but never least my friends: I saw who were my true friends. The ones that stayed with me in the hospital, visited me at home, pushed me in wheelchairs, loved my family, and loved me when I felt unlovable.

Our fiery trials aren't meant to be quick fixes. We don't all go through the same type of trials for reasons of growth meant for only us. Had that trial been a quick fix, I wouldn't have the relationships I have today nor the perspective I now have.