Joan Rivers is the fun, brazen part of my personality. She's always allowed herself the opportunity ,and had the confidence, to embrace all her qualities: good, bad, ugly, beautiful, etc.
Years ago, I used to not care as much about what people thought of me. My soul for the past few years has gone into hibernation, only coming out in the 'spring' inside my home and to certain people. I don't idolize celebrities, but I did admire Joan Rivers for her ability to be her full self with no apologies. The people that knew her truly loved her. She was the first person to make fun of herself and when she made fun of others it was all in jest. If Jesus wasn't loved by all, what makes me think I will be? Side Note: I am not comparing Joan Rivers to Jesus at all. Okay? Okay.
The more I allowed myself to hibernate, the more I developed severe anxiety. I didn't allow myself to be in groups larger than 6. Church, family events, and parties became more of a panic stricken thing for me. My daughter most recently came to me asking for lessons in knitting to which I agreed. As the lessons progressed she became proficient and gained more confidence in her project. After she had successfully mastered a row of knitting she looked at me with so much excitement and had a sense of accomplishment. We started to have frequent knitting sessions, the better she became the more she seemed to worry what others would think of her new hobby. I found myself getting extremely bothered by her worrying what her friends would think. I told her," Be yourself! Who cares what they think of something you enjoy doing? Stop being so worried with others and do things you like to do." Whether it was something she observed me doing or something she discovered on her own accord, it bothered me that my daughter was tying her worth to what others thought. I find Bella delightfully unique and love her so much for that. I hadn't been the example I'd hoped I could be for her. In essence, I had failed in raising my children to embrace the things that make them special.
Realizing that I had some form of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS) due to my childhood and past relationships, I knew that I was tired of allowing it to censor me. I had been involved in some sort of "Gaslighting Tango" with several people in my life. I allowed them to control what happened in my life to some degree and in turn I wasn't happy. The happiness I should have been allowed was culled from me. I accept the inculpation on my end. It's my life and I control it. Knowing that this may sound like an after school special to most, it isn't. It's a cognizance. One of the people I revered had to die before I acquiesced to changing myself. For my daughters, for my husband, for my friends, and most importantly for myself I will strive to allow me to be ME. No apologies unless it's to someone who doesn't speak 'Keri' as some of my close friends call it.
