I am never alone

I have asked my friend Veronica to write this post. I have known quite a bit about her life and knew of the obstacles she's had to overcome. I relate with her on so many levels and am elated she chose to be an open book. We all live with our masks that hold us back from connecting with others. I hope that this story touches you as much as it does me. Thank you so much Veronica for being vulnerable and brave. 

   My wonderful friend has been waiting too long for this post and I'm glad I did it. It took me very long to really ponder on her topic: "Find the beauty and how has that specific trial helped me in my life." Well, it has been tough to pick one. Unfortunately my life became a living hell for me at the age of 5, too soon if you ask me, but we don't get to pick our trials. So here goes.... My name is Veronica I am a 32 year old mother of 3 beautiful kids who is truly a sucker for love and a lover of life itself. I grew up in a broken, abusive home where I was invisible. My youth became darker by the hour, my soul seemed to vanish in the darkness, love was not in my world ,and loneliness was my only companion. As life got harder I began to seek love in the wrong places, things, and people. I found myself stuck in a hole that only got deeper and deeper. I became a disposable toy for people to use when they wanted. Life was no longer desired nor wanted in my heart. The day came, raging full of hate, that my 15 year old mind could no longer bear to endure. I had decided that would be my last night alive. I went into my bathroom cabinet taking every pill I could find. Honestly, there were so many I couldn't even hold them all on one hand. I was determined and tired of living.
     

   With every pill I took I said goodbyes in my mind. I thought of how everyone would react or if they even cared. I wondered if it would hurt to take my last breath. Would God receive me on the other side? As I lay down in bed, I smiled staying hopeful that someone would come check on me perhaps saving me from what was taking place. Minutes passed. Then an hour. My eyes got heavier and I started to pray. My eyes burned like a thousand flames from the tears that seemed to never stop coming. Suddenly this rush of comfort came to my heart and a strange whisper said, "get up". I realized then that I wanted to live.  There was nothing beautiful in my life at that time and I had nothing to fight for, but that night God came to my rescue at my lowest point. I'll never forget the joy and the assurance He gave me. I felt that I would live to somehow succeed. Quickly I jumped off the bed running straight for the bathroom to empty my stomach hoping for the best. 

   The next day I left my home to never return. Ever since then life has been a bit better: one baby step at a time. I have had some of the worst trials within my own marriage. Things happened that have almost cost me my life yet again. Sadly, once a person becomes suicidal it's easy to relapse again.  My health has been extremely compromised and this body just keeps breaking down on me. Life is still hard and confusing at times, but in all honesty I tell you now that I have found the beauty in my journey. Not just in one trial, but many. I am a gift.  I am never alone and never was. I have been sent here prepared to live this life and succeed as God intended. I am worth so much and I never fully understood it.  That has been my reason to live. God has blessed me beyond measure and is constantly moving his hand in my life. I'm humbled to recognize it and grateful to live through it. Some days are very hard to go on and it seems as if old habits, traumas, and fears haunt my every step. I know that my foundation is the same and as strong as it can be. God loves me. I am good enough for him. He has forgiven me and so I will forgive my self too. Knowing who I am and why I'm here on earth has given me what I need to refocus each day on the blessings I have in front of my weary eyes. Even if a trial fogs my view, I know that God is leading the way if I live through his will and mercy. That gives me great comfort and strength so I can stand up to fight for my life, salvation, family, and for my savior. Life is the most beautiful gift we can ever have. There's too much good in life to spend it crying or upset. Daily I see on the wall in my home a favorite quote,"never let a problem become more important than a person to be loved".

Hell is real. It is real even when we are still breathing, but fear is a choice. I live with a purpose and to fulfill it is my journey... I am never alone.